Letters and Murmurs

Chapter Sixty: Read it

'Breathe,' I told myself in my mind as I stood on the small platform stage.

I looked out at the crowd of familiar faces as I held a note in my hand. I didn't ever imagine this day would come. Jack smiled up at me as he and Alex sat on the floor. Dad and mom made themselves comfortable on the sofa while everyone else was gathered around. I had recently taken some pieces I wrote and thrown them into various contests. I held my breath as I finally began to speak. I had been offered a good lump sum of money if I went and read one of my poems at some show.

"Hello my name is Logan Blake Urie, I am currently twenty years old. I am dating the wonderful Jack Barakat. I have this amazing community that I don't even know what to say right now. So I think I should just start by reading my poem," I chuckled nervously.

"Okay stop," Ryleigh giggled and we turned to look at Ryleigh.

"Don't be nervous we are going to be there just search for us. You shouldn't be nervous to read your stuff in front of us. We have all seen it," She continued.

I looked at the piece of paper in between my fingers. I gulped as Ryleigh got excited and almost jumped over Rian. Rian ducked down lower as Ryleigh went to grab my paper. Beckett and Kolbi had come over and Kolbi was confused as Ryleigh pounced on me reaching for the paper. I held it close to my chest folding it in half.

"Give it here!" Ry said as I got in the fetal position as I cradled my writing to my chest.

I finally got myself out at Ryleigh's grip. I looked at my paper in my hands to my chest. I gasped for air as Beckett let out an airy laugh at Ryleigh and I. Jack and Zack watched us ready to break us apart if we started to fight.

"I just want to read it then you can give feedback okay," I said and shooed Ryleigh back toward her seat behind Rian but in a spot where she could see me as I climbed back up on my small stage.

I felt my fingers tremble as a unfolded the paper. The fear was rising to the surface and was going to be noticeable in my voice. I let out a breath as Alex and Rian gave me both a thumbs up.

"I was born before sunrise but that didn't matter. I was handpicked for you. Little and only a few hours old you loved me unconditionally. For six long years of ups and downs, I never knew the pain I would one day feel. You had built walls so high to protect me, to keep me young and naive."

I moved my feet as I couldn't stay still anymore as I stood upon the little platform. I walked to my right before turning to my left pacing.

"I was delivered to a place unsure of and quite scared of. I was not alone in that place as you were there with me. It was unspoken to me and I knew nothing of who I was anymore. I didn't know who I wanted to be or who I would become. I fought for so long to rid myself of you."

I stopped taking a deep breath in and shakily let my eyes skim to the middle of the page.

"I was delivered to people who wanted nothing more than me but a good time. In those hazy nights, I prayed for the sunlight to see another day. In alleyways wishing for my death and never understanding why it had to be you and why it couldn't be me. Why couldn't it be me?"

I gulped not looking up at anyone yet. I let my fingers brush over the little doodles I ran up the sides after writing the poem. I had hidden this poem for a long time but it was the one liked most by the editing agency.

"I was handpicked by someone. I was someone's first choice and in the early morning at sunrise. I was placed once more onto a plane. I was unsure of who I was with but I knew I could finally escape you and your reign over me. I was ready to run until my lungs gave out. Not quite ready to leave my protective walls behind. I pondered of you on the plane ride and then of who would handpick me."

I chuckled feeling the tears sting at the corner of my eyes. I released one side with my right hand and brushed my fingers to my eyes. I rubbed my left then my right wiping my nonexistent tears away.

"I was worried if you could see past my past if you could handle me knowing my past. You never gave up on me. You showed me unconditional love and respect and wanted nothing but the best for me. You protect me when I had walls built up so high from a previous life that you slowly had to remove. Those bricks were never truly ever really removed though. They were just placed into a pile for a later date. I was always afraid of when that later date would come. Standing here with you all today, that later date never came. I am standing here today to tell you that my adoption story though it may not have been perfect and my life is anything but close to perfect. I have realized over the past 2 and a half years of touring and living a life that I could only imagine in my dreams, that I am worth so much more than the terrible events of my past. I wrote this as a thank you to my new mom and dad."

I took a deep breath moving onto my final page where I started to cry but keep my voice steady enough to finish.

"Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself. Thank you for giving me the best possible life. Thank you for taking me in when you could have picked anyone. You didn't have to pick me. You did though knowing I witnessed my foster brother drown and being there while my godfather killed my parents. Thank you for breaking down the walls my biological mother built to protect me. I can't help but think she is somewhere with us and she is thanking you too for finally taking care of me. I may not have been her baby but I know that I am your baby and I can't help but feel like I don't say it enough. I love you and thank you for adopting me. Thank you for putting up with me no matter how much I know you probably wanted to give me back. Thank you for being there for every suicide attempt and panic attack. Thank you dad for taking me on every tour for at least a week. Thank you just for everything."

I was crying as I looked up as I folded my paper and the tears were pouring down mom's cheeks.

"Logan," She spoke softly as everyone looked at me with stone faces.

I bowed and took my paper darting up to my room. Dad chased after me though and wrapped me in a tight hug at the top of the staircase as I realized he was crying. I cried into his chest with him as I patted his back and he rubbed mine.

"I would pick your file up a million times if it meant I got this moment and all the other moments like this again and again," dad whispered into my ear as he picked me up.

I heard light footsteps coming up the stairs and I knew them to be those of Alex. Alex's feet pounded as he walked downstairs but when walking up stairs they were very gentle and light. I looked at him as he smiled and congratulated me.

"You did it muchkin!" He cheered as I chuckled and walked back downstairs with dad and Alex.

No one spoke as I entered the living area again. Rian was the first one up off the floor to wrap me in a tight hug. He popped my back picking me up and swaying our bodies side to side in a hug.

"That was a beautiful piece, Logan. You know I'll be there to see you read it," Ri said and then looked back into the kitchen where mom had run off to.

I excused myself from the group of people who were ready to talk and converse with me. Dad handled this for me as Jack tried to break away from the group and get to me as Alex took care of his best friend for me. I walked into the kitchen where mom and Lisa leaned against the island.

"Sarah you need to tell her," Lisa said as I leaned against the entryway.

"I can't just tell her after she goes read that to us all. What would she think of us? It's not like we were hiding it from her," mom spoke as I made my way into the kitchen now standing against a cabinet.

"You'd still be her mom. She knows that and it would only be in her best interest in protection that is why you and Brendon are sending her off," Lisa replied as I stood there stunned.

"It's not that-"

"You are sending me away?" I said shakily and turned the corner from the cabinet.

"Logan, it's not like-"

"I- Don't talk to me," I said and ran upstairs this time successfully making it to my room and slamming the door.

Maybe some walls can't ever fully be destroyed. They can be used to build a boat with though.