885 Days [A Vikklan/Sidemen/Pack Story]

Twelve Days Home

4 September 2017

According to the doctor, everything was healing as well as he had expected it to be healing. Obviously it wasn't fast considering his physical condition, weak and without the strength to heal like me or any of the other boys would, and the surgeries had only weakened him further. The bruises and pressure sores on his skin were beginning to fade, some cuts were healing, but the scars remained. He was still that same weight he had been when he was found, 48 kilograms, twelve days earlier, as he had yet to eat or drink anything other than a few sips of water to clear his throat.

He was still... skittish. The only person he was calm around was me, and sometimes Rob but that was only when I was there too, anyone else made him panic. Even Mitch, Jerome and Preston. That upset them greatly but they knew he wasn't what they remembered- he wasn't the same person anymore, he hadn't seen them in two and a bit years, and any noise scared him. He still refused to eat, he could barely move because of the muscle loss, and he hadn't spoken since his desperate plea to go home. He just clung to me, slept fitfully, and woke screaming.

Lachlan groaned between his teeth as the head of the bed sat him up, not used to being in that position. Despite the fact he was still on a heavy dose of pain medication it didn't stop the aching and shooting pain as he was moved and jostled. Doctors orders. They wanted to get him moving as much as Lachlan could stand, moving his muscles and hopefully gaining some range of motion back. I squeezed his hand.

"It's okay, there you go, you've stopped moving." I whispered, holding his head and chest as he very nearly slid sideways. He was so weak he couldn't even hold himself upright, despite leaning against the bed. "It's over for a bit."

A breathy whistle of pain escaped him, eyes still screwed closed, but over the period of a few minutes he slowly relaxed. Once his eyes finally opened there was a flicker of surprise as he realised that, in this position, he could see out of the window. He was immediately transfixed. I don't think he had even realised the window was there because before this point the shutters had always been pulled closed so he could sleep without any trouble. There was this look of utter fascination, hope, and awe across his face and it almost made me cry. He hadn't seen the sky in two and a half years and the first time he did it was a beautiful, crisp but clear autumn day. The sky was blue and the world was filled with beautiful oranges, yellows and reds on the street below.

I sat beside him for several hours as he watched the world crawl by outside. It was just the two of us, the occasional nurse to check everything or change on of the IV's. I had asked the other boys to stay home for the day, have a rest and take a break from everything, before someone came in that evening. I think Ethan, maybe Harry, or Simon were coming in. Josh flat out refused the other Pack boys going in because all four of them were exhausted, over-emotional and on the edge of literally collapsing. I was glad someone was looking out for them because right then, my only focus was Lachlan.

"I wish I could do this forever." I whispered. "Sit and watch the world go by." Lachlan turned to me, his wide eyes blinking. I recognised those eyes, but the face that surrounded them wasn't so familiar. He was so skinny, so drawn, so small. He had changed so much there was hardly a resemblance to the last photo he had ever posted, on Instagram, him with Scott and Ryan's husky, Harley, just before we returned to London. I loved that photo, had treasured it, and it had always had pride of place when we had held those vigils for him. He didn't look like that anymore.

"I wanna go home." He whispered, echoing what he had pleaded with me a few days earlier. He leaned against me, blinking rapidly. He was crying, struggling to lift his arms to wipe his eyes so I very delicately did it for him with the corner of the sheet. He sniffled.

"I know." I breathed, kissing his forehead. "I know. I want to as well, I don't want to be here anymore than you do, but it's to help you. You have to be strong and healthy to go home."

He didn't say anything more after that, going back to stare out of the window, but I knew he had slipped again. His eyes were glassy, blank, and he didn't respond when I gently whispered his name. I sighed deeply. I was hungry and it was nearing dinner time- as a permanent guest the hospital supplied meals for me as well, mostly out of the kindness of their hearts because they weren't supposed to. I doubted Lachlan would eat anything. A nurse arrived about half an hour later with two meals, sitting one on my lap and after one look at Lachlan set the other on the bedside table, understanding his blank look. I ate before attempting to help him.

At first he shook his head, eyes still glassy, as I held out a glass of water to him. He also refused food.

"Please Lachy?" I said quietly. "Remember what I said? If you want to go home?" His eyes flickered and he looked between me and the food, grimacing.

"I don't think I can." He whispered. "I'll just be sick."

I paused, thinking of telling him about what the doctor might have to do if he didn't begin eating. I didn't want to, but I had to.

"Lachy, they're thinking about giving you a feeding tube if you don't eat. The IV's can only sustain you for so long. I don't want you to go through anymore but please, it's getting dangerous. I don't want them to have to do anything more that's invasive." I begged, but his gaze flickered away from me.

Lachlan pushed the food, mashed potatoes, with his finger and looked away again.

"I can't." He whispered, voice hitching. "I can't. It's gonna make me sick. I don't wanna be sick."

I didn't force it after that. I didn't want to upset him but I knew that if it went on much longer they were going to force the feeding tube. As the doctor had said, the IV's were for survival, not for sustainability. He couldn't last or improve without more nutrients which could only be gained through eating or, unfortunately, through a feeding tube. It was looking more and more likely.

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It was Ethan and Harry who arrived that night, about an hour after Lachlan had been sedated to change his bandages and check his wounds. He had also been given a wash, one with warm cloths, so he was looking much cleaner and the bruises were looking much less menacing. He was exhausted though, so was still asleep when the two arrived.

"How was the day?" Ethan whispered, wrapping me in a hug. I almost immediately burst into tears because I was just so mentally exhausted and scared that I couldn't help it. He hugged me tighter, Harry hugging me from the other side. I think he was crying too. Lachlan slept on.

"He's still not eating." I sniffed. "They're going to put a tube in if he doesn't. He looked out the window for a long time but... he's not there. He's there sometimes but then he just drifts off and it scares me so much. I want Lachlan back."

"Vikky, you know what the doctor said. You can't ask for Lachlan back, it'll only hurt him more. I know your upset and scared but you've got to be there to support him, knowing that he's never going to be the same again." Ethan said, cupping my face in his hands. "It's going to be a long road, and it's only been twelve days."

He paused, glancing at Harry over my shoulder. Harry spoke.

"Let's just go to sleep."

I fell asleep that night not cuddled against Lachlan, his grip tight on my shirt, but between Ethan and Harry. They were there to comfort me, and I was grateful for the break. I couldn't be the strong one all the time. Sometimes, I just needed to moment to break down, let it all out, and be weak.