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Cover: The cover is better than the previous one. Maybe the resolution is a bit low because...well, this is Wattpad?
Blurb: The blurb is okay, but it doesn’t really tell us who the MC is. Why would you keep the name of the MC? I think it needs more substance to it. It’s too short and basic.
Review: So I write the review every time I have something to say. It might look weird as you read them coz the focus of the paragraphs might change suddenly. XD But the paragraphs flow as I read the story. It follows the plot of your story. It will mostly question and me answering them myself.
Chapter 1: The first chapter is nicely written. Thank you for the good grammar. I really appreciate it when a story is well-written. It makes the reviewing experience much better.
I personally feel that the start is very confusing. It started like a 3rd pov, then suddenly the narration shift to 1st. I don’t get which girl is which. You later give us the name of the sister, May. So I wonder why you keep it from us in the first few paragraphs. It’s not like there’s a mystery element there.
I was COMPLETELY shocked to read that the little sister is 12 years old. I understand that some siblings are overly pampered and all, but it’s not really about her dialogue and the way she talks. The way you describe her also makes me think that she’s a ‘little’ little girl. I wonder how short she is if the sister touches her scruff and she looks up with her big eyes and all that.
But as I read on, I see that you write a Japanese kind of theme. Maybe you just want it to be anime-ish? This is one of the problems with some fantasy here, especially when they have this Japanese theme. It would always sound anime-ish.
I also don’t get the mother part. If the mother is THAT afraid of having the kid kidnapped, why would she send the 7-year-old kid to the dangerous and demonic town? I know you want to share that the town is dangerous, but I don’t buy that backstory.
The description that introduces her mother is very weird to me. ‘A middle-aged woman....’ starting from that sentence, it feels very impersonal. Like she isn’t describing her mother. To be honest, the only part that really grabs my attention throughout the first chapter is the mother's incantation of some sort. It’s also interesting how they have never seen her mother's clients. I think there’s more to it when i read about the thing her mother did before they sleep.
Chapter 2: I have a thing against describing a character’s physical traits at length, but it’s just me. Having two or three paragraphs to describe everyone is too much IMO.
I also don’t get how a person would describe their own face to us in 1st pov. One of them really stands out in this chapter. ‘Delicate nose'. I don’t think a person would call their own nose ‘delicate’. Again, this is just my preference. Writing 1st pov has its plusses and minuses, and describing their own physical appearance is usually the minuses part. And i just have to ask. What is ‘moon-shaped beige eyes'?
So here in chapter 2, I see that May is not a ‘little’ little girl when you described her as ‘only shorter than me by a head'. I suggest you add this in chapter 1. Or else, I imagined her as a 5-year-old girl.
Is it a really weird thing to have an eyedropper (I think you mean an eye drop) in the house? In the World you built? Why would she focus on that part so much? It stands out for it to sound natural. Like you’re trying very hard to make it mysterious to us. It’s a turn-off, actually. So I suggest you take them out and simply say that she accidentally pushed the eye drop and she picked it up later.
I thought she said in the first chapter that they live far from the people/town/market? But in chapter 2, it sounds like there are immediate people around their house when they go out for the festival.
I am slightly confused with the bow scene. There, she thinks May screams. And then things sound dramatic for some reason, then the man looks at her. Then she realizes that it isn’t May. May is her sister. How can she not know how she sounds like? From your description of the girl, she screams/cries a lot. The scream doesn’t even come from where the sister is standing. It’s in the opposite direction. Again, I don’t buy the mystery here.
Starting with the black-cloaked men part, the story finally gets interesting. Especially the people who drop from the sky, whatever and whoever they are. It leaves us with a great cliffhanger! Nicely done!
Overall: Just something extra to point out, but even after two chapters, I believe there’s no mention of the MC's name? Not even in the blurb. I might miss it though. I should know the MC’s name by heart now if it's mentioned somewhere. But i can’t remember what’s her name at all. There’s always ‘sis’ here and there, but never once did they use her name.
I just think you need to revise and tidy up your narration a bit. You are a good writer, but you still have a lot to improve description-wise. But it doesn’t mean you’re not good! It’s never wrong to improve.
P.s: I apologize for the wait and for all the 'i' in the chapter. I don't know why they aren't capitalized. XD
