Lachlan's P.O.V.
Breathe, breathe. I told myself, head buried in my hands. Breathe. It's okay. Don't make a scene. Be brave. You can't afford it today.
But I couldn't be brave. I couldn't keep myself calm, I couldn't keep my fear and uncertainty and terror off my face no matter how much I told myself I could afford to let it slip. Not today. Maybe tomorrow, but certainly not today. The cheering crowds, the booming announcers, the people brushing past me, the voices, it was all too much. Too much, too much, toomuch, toomuch-
I jolted in fear as Vikk pushed past me, yelling happily and greeting an old friend. I didn't know this friend, at least I didn't think I did, but I was too far gone to really care by that point who they were and what they meant to me. It was too loud, there were too many people. I should never have agreed to come.
Vikk's friends, the other members of the Sidemen, were dotted throughout the venue chatting to others who were mostly YouTubers like themselves. None of them were in my view and other than them Vikk was all I knew so for most of the night I had been trailing him like a lost puppy. I didn't want to talk to anyone else, I didn't want to look at them or get to know them. I was already on the verge of a full on mental breakdown, pushing myself to talk to anyone would tip me over the edge.
A drink had been pressed into my hands early on but I had yet to touch it. It was another taste, another texture I couldn't handle. There were lots of things I couldn't handle and if we made a list I might have been there forever but some of the main things we loud noises, touch, crowds, anything that might overwhelm me actually. I placed the drink down on the nearby table, leaving it there and moved to follow Vikk who had vanished into the crowd. My anxiety, which had been high previously, went up another notch.
I couldn't find Vikk. He had wandered off into the crowd and I couldn't find him anywhere, even after several minutes of looking. My mind was drawing a blank, I was freaking out and I think the people around me knew that too because they were looking at me strangely, sending concerned glances my way. I was about to really freak out when someone familiar finally stepped into my field of view, hands reaching out for me.
"Easy Lachlan, easy. It's okay. It's just me." Simon said, reaching out but not touching me. He waited for me to place my hands in his open ones which only took me a couple of seconds. "Come on, lets get you out of here. I was about to go home anyway."
"But-"
"No, nothing. You were a couple of minutes from freaking out, you know that and I know that. Come on, lets go home."
I knew he was trying to be kind about it but it still came off as kind of condescending, something I was long used to though. People often treated me like I was a child with no concept or control of emotions, especially after they knew exactly what was wrong with me. Their concept of wrong of course, because I saw nothing wrong with me. I was just a little different, that's all. That was all being autistic was.
Simon didn't let go of my hand as he guided me through the tightly knit crowd, even having to elbow people out the way at time so they would create a gap wide enough for us to pass through. It probably didn't help that I didn't want to be touched by those people either, flinching away whenever someone got to close.
I managed to breathe a sigh of relief as we got outside but was still tense and scared, unable to relax. Simon watched me, glancing up every now and again as he called for an Uber.
"It wasn't Vikk's idea for you to come out tonight was it?" He asked gently.
"No... he knew I wasn't ready to come yet but I kept telling him I was fine." I flushed an angry shade of red, ashamed of myself. I had insisted over and over again that I would be fine, I could cope with now after previous conventions but for some reason the dark lighting and alcohol made it so much worse. I could deal with controlled crowds in a larger space when it was light. A club-like environment was not something I could deal with, and I knew that now. Simon squeezed my hand again. "I fucked up." I said miserably.
"Hey, hey, no." He said sternly. "You did not fuck up, you just weren't ready for it yet. Three years ago would you have been able to go to a convention like Vidcon and meet all your fans like you did last week?" I shook my head slowly. "Just because you aren't ready for something like this yet doesn't mean you aren't doing amazingly. If I'm gonna be honest I hate places like that too."
He wrinkled his nose and a giggle fell from my mouth, surprising even me. Simon smiled.
"It's totally fine. Let's go home and watch a movie, yeah?"
"Only if you turn on subtitles." I mumbled.
"Course I will." He turned to the Uber which had just arrived. "Just like every other time."
----------------------------------------------
I liked the environment of the Sidemen house. There was something about it that calmed me down because although their place was far from quiet, I liked it. It had this... atmosphere that made me feel completely as ease, safe, just like in my own home. The boys knew what to do and what not to do as my family did and that always made me feel at ease.
Simon brought my big blanket down from my room and dragged it into the living room, heaving it onto the couch and throwing it overtop of me. Pulling it off my head he snuggled in right beside, apparently having picked up my cues. I was useless at picking up social cues, half the time I could even tell what emotion someone was expressing and if I had to stab at it I more often than not guessed a negative emotion, even when it wasn't necessarily negative at all. Neutrality was weird because I perceived it as positive or negative, not neither.
"What movie?" He asked, already pulling up Disney plus. Huh, guess he got that right too. I thought for a moment.
"Moana." I mumbled around the blanket and Simon laughed, a happy, hearty, genuine noise.
"Alright, Moana it is."
His hand stayed in mine long after I had fallen asleep.
