~ Forgotten ~

A Broken Little Teacup

! TRIGGER WARNING! (Not typical of this book)

Gore (very little however) and suicide attempt. This chapter uses knives and guns in a very bad way (not that they are always good in any situation). If this is a triggering and uncomfortable subject don't read!

I'll recap next chapter regardless!

Blood spattered my face and suit.

I stood there emotionless. My hand lowered.

So many emotions flowed through me. Every emotion I've ever felt for Madame B rushed back at once.

Love. Hate. Sorrow. Pain. Happiness. Anger. 

I once thought of her like mother. Now she lay dead ,at my own hand, in front of me. I came here on my own will. I shot at my own will. I couldn't say that I wasn't slightly happy about it. The revenge part of me was, sort of, at ease. But I also felt..remorse. A small feeling creeping it's way from deep inside.

I had no idea if she had been tricked and brainwashed like me. But I guess I'll never find out.

I also felt disgusted. Not at Madame B anymore. At myself. Well sorta at Madame B too, but it was mainly directed at myself.

I wanted so badly to rid my hands of blood of innocents, but my crave for revenge was stronger. How could I not stop myself? Yes, Madame B was a horrible person, and everyone else that taught here, and HYDRA, but killing her only made me more like them.

How could I be such an idiot in coming here!? Why did I do this?

I was so content on this, now I regret every action.

What's wrong with me?

I dropped my gun and stepped backward from the pool of blood that formed around my feet. Silent tears ran down my face.

I'm just as bad a monster as them, and I always will be.

Doing this made me no different from them.

Why?

Why?

Why!

I wanted to scream at myself. I had prepared myself for this for months. I negotiated with the Director of SHIELD to get here. I lied to Tony fucking Stark and Agent Hill. I worried Natasha and lied to her, my only biological family left. I lied to my new family, one who accepted me and set me free from HYDRA. I lied to Bucky, the man I love. I hopped on a quinjet to fly hours away from home. I landed in Russia. Broke into my old "school". All this I did while being content on my objective. 

I did anything I could to complete this "mission" of mine. Just like when I was brainwashed, nothing got in my way of it. I let nothing stop me. Nothing slow me down.

And now I stood here with..regret, covered and surrounded in the blood of my mentor and mother figure. Well, not my mother figure anymore. She caused me endless pain. But I couldn't deny the happiness I found in some of it.

Killing classmates. Killing innocent, kidnapped people. Torturing people. Manipulating them. Sleeping with them. Shooting them. Hurting them.

That was on my own will. And I liked some of it.

But even brainwashed, even though I fought what they told me, I still did the same things.

I hurt them. Killed them. With no remorse at first. But when their spell began to break, I felt the pain of killing them. The regret. But I still did it.