𝐦𝐨𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞

x

i'm choosing not to recognise the fact that one day my tedious but comforting routines will shift and i'll have to face the real world, because ignorance is bliss, and optimism is disheartening.

it feels like i'm living perpetually in the period of calm after a storm. it's quiet and dark in my head, peaceful, but i know soon enough another storm will tremble the earth and bring more heartache, n ill have to relive the trauma all over again.

so i'll sit out on my porch drowning my thoughts in peppermint tea and anxieties, thinking about how pretty my small slice of this corrupt world is, and how much better i would feel if i had you sitting by my side.

i've got hideous tendencies that make me wanna lock myself away in isolation so i don't end up hurting you, because i've never felt like this before with anyone else and it scares me to think that i'm gonna fuck this up. that i'm not gonna be good enough for u.

i don't know how you've felt about your past lovers and their pretty faces but i know i will never truly live up to that standard of admiration. and i apologise for that. but every time i see your name pop up on my phone my chest does a lil jump and it scares the shit out of me. i don't know how to show u how much i care.

told myself i was gonna be sober today, but now it's 10 am and i'm cross faded because being sober makes the day so much harder. i know one day i'm gonna look back on my youth and realise how much of a fuck up i was (or still am), but hardships are inevitable, so i just gotta act like nothing's wrong and wait until the day ends so i can hide my worries in cones and sleep.

though i know drugs are inconsequential, and all i really want is to be able to see your face whenever i feel low. let me rest in your arms in lieu of wasting my days away doing the same shit.