jemina // sirius black

eleven

chapter 11 - curtains and cats

Sirius succeeded in breaking into Gryffindor tower and attacked Ron Weasley. 

Esme and I were entirely baffled, and we spent the entire next day trying to think of any reason he would have to attack Ron. 

The night that Ron was attacked, Remus and I had been in his office talking about Harry's slow progress with the Patronus charm. We chatted for a little bit about the fact that I had been unable to produce my own since my brother died, and he posed a question.

"Do you think Harry's will be stag? Do you think yours is a stag?"

I was unable to provide any semblance of an answer for a long moment. 

No matter how hard I tried, I hadn't been able to produce anything more than an incorporeal Patronus for 12 years. I was able to send messages through that, but it wasn't the same as having a corporeal Patronus. 

That is why I was unable to protect myself against Dementors, and why I did nothing when the one that targeted me at the Quidditch was inches from my face. I couldn't do anything. 

Remus' incorporeal Patronus protected against Dementors because he chose for it to be incorporeal. It had the strength and potential to be corporeal, but Remus refrained from letting it take the form of a wolf. He always did. 

Mine had been a wolfdog, a rather small furry one at that. Sirius' was the same, but he was larger than mine with shorter fur. 

No longer having that felt like a part of who I was as a person was gone. I knew that feeling didn't stem from being unable to produce my Patronus. That feeling was why I couldn't produce one. 

That feeling was because James was dead. 

I had told Remus that Harry's Patronus could be anything, but if I had to guess, I'd guess a stag. I told him that there was no way to know what mine was, but if it was no longer a wolfdog, it had to be a stag. I explained the feeling I got whenever I tried to do the Patronus charm, and how the only memories happy enough were from the summer before our seventh-year. Before the visions, before my parents died, and long before we lost James and Lily. 

Thinking about those happy memories for as long as I needed to for a Patronus clouded them with pain because I knew that James and Lily were gone. Any memory from after their deaths were clouded by the fact that they simply weren't there.

I had done my best to live a happy life, even without James, but it was incredibly difficult to truly be happy when a part of me is dead. 

We had still been talking when Minerva came for us. She took me and Remus to Albus' office, where Severus was waiting with a scowl on his face. 

"Jemina was with Remus," Minerva said, scowling pointedly at Severus. She moved to stand beside Albus' desk, watching me closely. I knew the implications of what she said, specifically why she said it. I kept a stony expression on my face, I refused to blow up at Severus again, especially in front of Albus and Minerva. She looked to Albus, "Sirius Black broke into Gryffindor tower."

"What?"

"He attacked Ronald Weasley, gave him quite the fright."

"Did you check on the girls?"

"Lilian was in the Common Room when I arrived," Minerva said, her eyebrows furrowing as the tried to remember where my daughters had been. She paused for a long moment, "Aubrey was with Harry, of course, but... I don't recall seeing Esme."

"You don't think he would go after his own daughter, do you?"

"I don't know what he would do, Remus, he attacked Ron Weasley."