ugh → l.h ⋆ a.i

040 - LUKE!

11/18/2019

FUCK COLORADO TOMORROW IM FUCKING COLD AS SHIT BUT ALSO FUCKING ANGRY ASHTON AND I GOT IN A FIGHT AND I CRIED FOR THREE HOURS THEN FINISHED MY FUCKING SONG THAT ISNT EVEN A GODDAMN SONG AND IT CAME OUT SO MUCH FUCKING ANGRIER THAN I PLANNED BUT I GFOT OUT MY FUCKING EMOTIONS!!!

HERES THE FUCKING ROUGH DRAFT OF MY SONG POEM THING FUCKING /WHATEVER/ I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH LOVE <3

why are you acting like a stranger?
we do this every fucking night
can we get a little closer
even though you're not that type, i guess

(you're not that fucking type except for when i kiss your neck
or when i fuck you slow; love, you've made me such a fucking wreck
but you're not that type, i guess)

you only ever want to fuck me after midnight
i've never seen you in the daylight
cause you only ever want to fuck me after midnight

(because you're ashamed of me, right?
me and my mess of a brain?)

but it's better than nothing
your emotions shut down
whenever i beg for more
but i take the chances that i'm given
cause i'm desperately all yours

(i'm so desperately yours that i can't see how it's hurting me
i'm so desperately fucking yours that i refuse to give you up
even though you put me through the goddamn ringer
and you never fucking show your emotions)

you only ever want to love me after midnight
i've never seen you in the daylight
cause you only ever want to love me after midnight

(because admit it, it's okay, it's so much more than sex
it's so much more than hiding hickeys and pretending we're just friends the next day
it's so much more than holding hands under the covers
and kissing my forehead in the morning before you leave.
but inevitably, you go
you go and i'm left to wonder if i'm not enough and that's why you won't show yourself to me
your true self, anyway)

but it's better than nothing
right?

i wish you were here, everywhere i go

(physically you're here, but emotionally you're so far away from me
we're on opposite corners of the world when we're with everybody else
it's so unfair, you know
i don't deserve it
but i love you more than anything so i'm not going to say any of this to you)

and again, it's better than nothing
but nothing would probably hurt less.