𝐍𝐎𝐍-𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐒

I'll crack it open just to see what's inside your mind

His smoke gave the room an ethereal, almost dreamy atmosphere. We were laying in bed facing the ceiling. I could hear the streets of London repopulate in the early hours of the morning, but it felt like that was another planet. We were in a place that was nowhere to be found.

I was happy. I was thrilled and I was excited, and he looked angelic, his incisors sunk into his bottom lip, keeping his secrets locked in his mouth. He shared them with me tonight, he shared what a body can do to another body with boldness and tenderness.

We didn't cuddle. We just touched each other's features until we both could have taken a piece of marble and turn it into a precise sculptural representation of the other. We stayed in silence and then we fucked again, and again, we slept, I dreamt his flashing eyes like traffic lights. We talked. He said he had an heroin addiction cause there was something very deep-seated in him, from quite a young age. Something he had to sedate. I asked him what it feels like to have it running through your veins and he said he hoped I'll never know. We compared our education and the books we read and we arrived at the conclusion that we took different paths to meet somewhere down the road with kinda the same set of ideas and perspectives of the world, but couldn't find a common ground on having kids. He said it was something that philosophically could gave him purpose, cause he didn't want to walk around in life just worrying about himself. I said having kids sounded like something naively selfish. I told him when people love me and want me too much I feel in a cage. I told him I couldn't see myself as a mother, I couldn't see myself as a partner, and he liked that cause he said he met a lot of people who would throw themselves in any kind of boring relationship just to not feel lonely. He himself did that for a long time. Even if self isolation kinda became his new vibe now. I also told him that I found it cute that he was circumsized, he laughed and asked me why but I couldn't really explain. He asked me if I had daddy issues and I told him my father thinks I'm the antichrist. He said I was an angel. I asked him why this question and he lit another cigarette and I looked at him like he was some kind of messiah. He looked handsome as hell. I could feel his smoke floating in me and me falling in him. I loved the way he spoke. I loved the way his mouth met his thoughts. We talked about our favourite artists and our favourite songs, and how we compose our tracks, and I left him speechless when I told him I couldn't play any instrument.

"You don't write your own songs?"

"I write the lyrics. The boys compose the music"

"You could create great things."

"I feel I am not gifted, you know?"

His voice was a sleepy, soft whisper. "You should learn."

There was an acoustic guitar in the corner of the room. There was an instrument for every corner of his house. He took it, he sat on a chair. I jumped off the bed, I followed him. There was no chair for me, so I sat on the floor. My bare ass touched the frozen tiles and I shivered.

"I am educating you now", he said, and he really believed I could learn something when he was sat there half asleep and naked.

"Alright, Mr Healy", I flirted, and he smiled at me.

I took a look at the pile of books in the wooden bookcase at his back. A title caught my attention. "The Satanic Bible? Matty, you okay?"

"Focus", he commanded and I rolled my eyes. He touched a string and its vibration made a sound that was so familiar.

"I'm not very good at it, but it's okay, you don't have to be good", he started. He played some melodies of his tunes to teach me a couple of chords. To be fair, I didn't understand that much. Matty used technical words I couldn't get, and I've always thought composing music was something more magical than human. I just couldn't get it, but Matty repeated at some point I would. I interrupted him a lot to ask him to speak slowly. I repeated the words I didn't get and he helped me with the pronunciation. It was frustrating, there was nothing I was good at in that moment - nor the music, nor the English - but the simple sound of his guitar felt so sweet to my ears, I could have stayed sitting there listening to Matty play all day. He was so serious, he was adorable.

"You really want me to play guitar tomorrow on stage", I smiled when he protested I wasn't really in the mood for learning.

He looked at me confused.

"Primavera Sound Festival, Matty."

He scratched his head. "Oh. Right."

"I guess when you're a star it's like regular schedule. Just casually headlining a festival."

"Are you nervous?", he smiled softly, placing the guitar on the floor.

"A bit..."

"You're gonna leave them all out of breath. Mouth open, eyes wide."

He looked down at me, his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees. He just sat there naked playing nice while I was on the floor looking at him from below like it was the most random thing of the world. When did this happen?

I rested my cheek on his thigh, and I felt his muscles tighten. "You think?, I looked at him with my big eyes.

He did a little sound with his throat, a little "hm-hm". He brushed my bangs from my eyes, his hands running through my hair. He pulled my strands of blonde over my shoulders, helping me for what was coming next. I knew he was thinking my mouth was lewdly pretty - I could tell by the look in his eyes - and my lips were ridicously pink and wet and I didn't even had them wrapped around him yet, but my tongue was darting out. I wanted to make him feel like he was thirteen and afraid he wasn't going to last, cause I hated to feel like the only coy kid in the room. But Matty wasn't afraid of anything really, he guided my head forward and I took him all in, slowly until he had the back of my throat constricting against him, noises coming from my mouth, eyes looking up at him. He wasn't looking at me, he whispered sweet nothings at first, until he spit out my name endlessly out loud - but his eyes were closed. And that was when I knew I was condemned, when I realized I had to breathe through my nose cause I had him in my mouth, and I loved it, I loved every inch of it, but still all I wanted was nothing more, seriously nothing, nothing more, than his eyes on me.