Balancing Love ☞︎ A Jesse St. James fan fic

Next Time I See Karma, I'll Thank Her Profusely

It had been a gloriously calm week. I had spent the entire week taking a break from dance all together, eating my face with any take-out I could find, and watching movies and shows I hadn't been able to have to pleasure too since I was eight. I found out anime, not too bad.

Of course with these new-founded obsessions, my dad was surely thinking of sending me to the CIA and making sure an alien hadn't taken control over my body. Or perhaps to rehab for my fast-food addiction. I'm pretty sure I gained about 20 lbs.

I'll admit, I miss eating healthy. But my feelings ran too deep and I just wanted to keep eating them. I wanted a salad, but then I would end up thinking about the lunch Jesse and I had and I would end up eating one and a half of those twelve pack party packs from Taco Bell. It was a vicious cycle.

I was also pretty sure that Madame wanted to chew my head off. She hadn't been by the house, but father said she was very irritated by my sudden departure. I was nervous to see her face to face but at the same time, it was my life! I wanted to please all the people I cared about, but sometimes I had to come first.

So I ate, and I slept, and I watched tv. I cried a lot. Whether it was from whatever I was watching, the spiciness of the food I was eating, or all my raging emotions, I couldn't tell you. But I cried. I made sure not to let my father see, but in the safe and private area of my room, all my pillows were soaked through.

The one thing I was actually happy to do, was text all my new friends from Lima. I texted Kurt the most. We had bonded a lot and I liked talking to him. He made me feel better. Then, while I didn't feel like I could dance again yet, I did like talking about dance with Mike a lot. He showed me a lot of new stuff to try and I talked in return about how ballet might fit into hip hop. I would also text Mercedes, Quinn, and even Blaine. Although they are related to the topic of Jesse, their presence in my life helps.

About now, all of them kept talking about nationals. They were all crazy excited about it, and I was excited for them. Most of them asked if I was going while others assumed I wasn't because of everything I told them that had gone on between Jesse and I. I really wanted to come. It seemed so important to all of them and it would be so amazing... I just couldn't give myself the push to do it. I might regret it, but I feel too deep into myself to do anything other than mope. I already do sort of regret it...

As the days went on, I felt worse and worse. I was second guessing everything. Especially when it came to the day of actual nationals. I felt absolutely terrible. A deep ache in my gut and chest. Of course I called them all and said good luck and I wished them the best. But I wanted to see them in action!

It was about mid-morning as I was watching some show I wasn't paying attention to when I suddenly heard some muffled voices in the house. I instantly frowned, looking at the door as if I could see through it. Dad would've mentioned if we had company, or if we were going to have company. I pause the show and wait patiently, wondering if my dad was going to knock and announce that we have company.

After the voices outside raise and lower a bit, a first knocks on my door.

"Come in," I say, confusion laced in my tone. My door slowly opens and I peer over, trying to see who it was already. When the door finally opened, I dropped back onto my bed, my face falling in the process. "What are you doing here?" I ask him. Standing there in the entry way of my room was the one and only Jesse St. James. He stood there, rubbing his hands together as he looked around my room.

"Nice room." He complimented quietly. I glance over my room for a moment before looking back at him.

"What are you doing here, Jesse?" I ask bluntly. Jesse finally manages to look at me.