ICARUS - Hawks x Reader

FIFTY THREE: It's Always Been You

"Keigo...you can stay..."

It was a bad idea, of course I knew that. Inside my brain, a vote had taken place, and my bittersweet love for the avian man had taken over completely. I was still angry. I was still hurt. Nothing could ever change what he had done, but at the same time, nothing could change the fact that I was suffering without him.

Again, Hawks kissed me, and the taste of whiskey was so strong on his tongue that it burned and bit at my mouth. Normally, with anybody else, I would have ceased physicality then and there, but I knew he wasn't just making a poor, alcohol-fuelled decision. He had been begging me for so long, the booze had just been a kick towards one final attempt.

"I promise...I'll take care of you...No matter what, Sunshine, you'll come first..." Trembling fingers clutched at the wrinkled back of my shirt, and his stubble scratched against my skin, each prick of each hair infecting me with the disease called love. At that point, that was all love was. A disease, customised for each individual, that completely obliterated any part of the brain that produced common sense.

"Don't make anymore promises, you idiot..." I muttered as he moved his lips down to my neck, likely leaving a glistening trail down my cheek. "If you want to stay, clean yourself up. You stink like a bar..." Pushing off of him, gently, I turned and started towards my bedroom, running a hand through my hair.
"Y..yeah, of course! I get it..."

Once I was out of his sights, my head began to spin. I hadn't realised how much I had truly missed him until that kiss, and now I was reeling. When I entered my bedroom, the first place I glanced to was the bedside table, where my wedding ring sat in the darkness of the closed drawer. The urge to put it back on was strong, but I refrained from doing so. Not yet.

Walking over to the vanity mirror, I stared into my reflection, taking in my puffy, red eyes and my tangled (H/C) hair. That man always seemed to make a mess of me, and honestly, I was okay with it, for the most part. Somehow, after our separation, I had come to love him even more, which I never thought possible. Yes, it had soured a lot, but I had never really been fond of sweet things anyway.

Why did I ever think that I could just walk away from him..?

"Sunshine..." Glancing to the side of my reflection, I saw Hawks stumble into the doorway, leaning his shoulder against the wooden frame for support. He was a lot drunker than I had realised, but I couldn't be mad at him anymore. I'd spent so long trying to despise him that it just wasn't physically possible anymore. "...(Y/N)...can I touch you more..? To make sure that this is, y'know, real..?"

Sighing, I nodded, not even bothering to turn to face him. Watching him in the mirror was enough, and I followed each movement he made as he walked over to me. His steps zigged and zagged a little, but he made it, his arms wrapping around my waist and pulling me flush against him.
"See? I'm real..." Reassuring him, I tried to ignore the way my heart began to race, and the heat that pooled in the center of my chest.

"Are you sure this is okay..? It feels like I'm committing a crime doing this..." He mumbled, his hands, now both ungloved, slipping beneath the hem of my shirt and caressing the skin of my stomach. His finger tips traced the slight indents left behind from the stretch marks I had received, and a strong silence washed over us.

I've never believed in fate...but this...

"Tell me to stop at any time, and I will...I just...I need to feel you...God, it's been so long since I've held you like this..." Hawks' voice held a whole new sensuality when it was so drawn out, slurred by inebriation, and I was weak.
"Stop." Oh, I didn't want him to stop. His desperate affection was more than I could have ever wanted, but I needed to be in control. He couldn't have as much power over me as he had had before.