Chapter 33

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Cameron Santiago POV

"Am I getting suspended from the team?" I say making my way into the kitchen for the first time today. Everyone looks around not sure how to answer the question.

"If nobody said anything to you or called you, I would say no. I'm sure they know it was self-defense." Pinoe replies to my question.

"Your plate of food is over there." Ali points to the corner of the counter. I thank her, grab the food, and head to the backyard. About an hour later I feel someone come join me.

"Why do they keep calling you back?" I noticed the long blonde hair of Dr. Lauren Scott without looking up from my phone.

"I asked if I can come back." She says. "You don't think we finished after the last talk did you?"

"Actually I did." I tell her. I hear her chuckle. "What's so funny?"

"That you thought one conversation would make me leave you alone." I roll my eyes at her response. "According to the girls, your nightmares have returned and you're more quiet than usual."

"Good for them. Give them a cookie for their Dora the Explorer observant skills."

"Cameron. Do you blame them for worrying about you? You've been through a lot."

"And I'm a big girl. They shouldn't need to worry. As I have said before, I am fine."

"You know showing emotions won't make you appear weak. Talking about what you went through doesn't make anybody think less of you. It makes you brave."

"Whatever."

"I have a question for you." Lauren asks and continues. "When you held the gun to your head, were you actually going to go through with it?"

I look at her crazy. "I'm not suicidal if that's what you're thinking. I didn't have a choice. I was held at gunpoint."

"But Ali mentioned how she begged you to put the gun down but it was like you were in your own world. She swore you were going to do it. You didn't value your life at that moment. You were going to take the easy way out."

"You don't know what you're talking about. What should I have done then? Jake was holding his gun against me to make a choice. Any slight wrong movement and he would've shot one of us. I didn't have a choice, so yes I was going to do it. I was going to put a bullet in my head to keep Ali safe. I'll take a bullet for Ali and Ash on any given day at any given moment."

She nods. She looks slightly impressed and surprised by my response.

"Can we move on and do the exercises you have planned? " I say just wanting to get this session over with. Lauren always has these simple exercises she does on me to try to get me to open up what I'm holding back.

"Right to it, I guess. I have two I want to do with you today. For the first one, I want you to pick up the soccer ball and just kick it as hard as you can against the wall. Over and over again." I give her a hesitant look. "Don't worry I warned Ali and Ash and assured them we wouldn't damage anything."

I pick up the ball and center it about seven feet from the wall. I tap it to the wall and it comes back.

"You play for the USWNT. I know you have more power than that. Use it." She says from behind me.

I increase the power in the kick and Dr. Scott just keeps saying to kick it harder. As I do the ball comes back faster and I just repeatedly kick it. The more I kick it, the more zoned out I become. I'm kicking the ball but I'm drowning in my thoughts.

"Cameron." I hear a voice. "Cameron. You can stop now." Dr. Scott says halting my aggressive kicks.

"Oh sorry, I zoned out."

"It's okay. How do you feel after that?"

"Tired." I chuckle. "I feel less held back if that makes sense. I took out my negative emotions and frustrations on the ball."

"Whenever you feel yuke and don't know how to express how you feel just kick a soccer ball as hard as you can over and over again." I nod.

"What's the second exercise?"

"I want you to come sit here." She points to the couch we were just sitting on. "And I want you to count out five breaths. With each breath I want you to try and recall the events of Jake holding you and Ali hostage."

I sit, close my eyes, and take a deep breath in. My mind flashes to Jake pulling out the gun and placing it on the counter. "One." I say exhaling.

I take in another breath. My mind flashes to Jake holding the gun against Ali. "Two." I exhale.

I take another breath. My mind flashes but it's all overwhelming. It's too much. I open my eyes. "This is stupid. I'm done for the day." I stand up to make my way inside.

"Cameron, you can't keep avoiding what happened. Your homework is to finish this exercise. I don't promise things, but I can tell you, you'll feel different when you finish this exercise."

I look at her and just head back to my room. As I head back, I hear Lauren explaining to the girls that I'll stay angry until I accept what has happened and to not take my anger personally. She also tells them to reassure me that they aren't going anywhere. No matter how hard I push them away, to always be there for me. I hear them keep talking after that but I put my headphones in and just stare at the ceiling.

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