LOSS

CHAPTER 30

I didn't make the mistake of keeping things to myself again. I informed my mom and my therapist aka my neighbour Dr David.

They both had very different reactions. My therapist was all "how are you handling the situation?, does it stress you emotionally?" He was all about my mental wellbeing.

After picking up Mariana that day, thankfully I did not get inebriated, I called my mom. My mother was not worried about my mental wellbeing, she was worried about the spirituality of the whole situation. I almost burst out laughing. A Nigerian mother no matter how many years abroad will still remain a Nigerian woman.

"Do you think this is ordinary? Is this from my enemies? My enemies are behind this. How can you not be free of that man? This is the handwork of my enemies but my God is bigger than them."

"Mom I'm sure your enemies have no hand in this. This is all Barry. The man is like a cockroach." I didn't want my mother to start blaming her imaginary village people.

"You think it's impossible? Why do you think I've never allowed you to go back home? My friends daughter travelled home for her marriage, out of nowhere, the young vibrant girl took ill and died."

"So you're saying your village people made me marry Barry?" I really wanted laugh.

"That aside, Selena have you ever prayed about this issue?"

My answer was a solid no. Not once have I called God into the issue. Even when I was hoping Barry would change. I only made wishes, I wished he would change, I wished he would see me and love me like he used to. Also with the divorce, I didn't pray. Why? I don't know, I've never really been spiritual.

"I'll take your prolonged silence as a no.  You need to pray. There's nothing too big for God to do and there is nothing too small for Him. As long as it concerns you, nothing is trivial. Take it to the throne of grace."

"I will try mom" I didn't want to talk about it.

I was expecting my mom to explode and curse at Barry with me. The last thing I expected was for her to start a sermon.

We talked a bit more before hanging up. After the phone call I felt awkward. Should I actually pray? Should I not? I decided not to.

My daughter and I spent the evening watching TV. We were rewatching Avatar the last airbender for the millionth time. Mariana soon fell asleep and I took her to her room.

With nothing to do I went to my room.  What my mom said kept replaying in my head. I should just pray and get it over with, because knowing my mom she'll ask if I prayed.

I sat knelt down by my bed. I took a deep breath but didn't know how to start. What do I say? This is crazy, I haven't prayed in years. I just started thinking about my life, I let my mind wander. All I could say was.

"God help me"