chapter 36

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Monday, May 18th, 2020

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Monday, May 18th, 2020

They say the first three seconds after we wake up, we remember nothing. For me, I'd never wanted something to completely consume me, but amnesia seemed like a great idea at his point.

I padder towards the bathroom, stripping off my clothes and hopping in the shower. I'm shivering and it isn't from the sudden chill that bites at my body.

My brain was consumed with thoughts today.

When you feel like you've lost everything, what is there left to care about?

Truth is, I was skipping school. I didn't care if my parents found out now. I felt like I hardly saw them anymore. They were so busy with work that they hadn't been overly protective lately.

Oddly enough, I missed their presence. I'd never felt more lonely.

I turn the shower on, watching the spray of the water. Steam fills the air and I breathe in slowly, letting it fill my lungs.

I'd stayed in bed all weekend. I'd binged The O.C trying to take my mind off everything. It was safe to say that no amount of Seth and Summer could get me through this funk.

The water plunges against my skin, the heat momentarily searing me. I let the feeling overtake my body, fogging my brain.

It hurt too much to think about my friends. Harry's painful expression. Kennedy's disappointment.

I lean my head against the tiles, my hair cascading around my face.

"Why? Why?" I whisper to myself, the water pouring down.

If I could have five more minutes with Nix, that's what I'd ask him. Why would he do this? Why would he leave his family? Why would he ruin the lives of so many?

It kept me up at night, wondering why he did what he did. I used to hold my breath, waiting for the world to bring me answers. It never did.

Three days after it happened, after the police had searched through everything we owned, I frantically went looking through Nix's room.

The police had taken his laptop, his school work and anything else they thought might be useful from his room. I scoured it regardless, searching for something. I remember sobbing so hard that I collapsed against his floor and fell asleep there, waking up with another day full of mystery.

I scrub my body clean with soap, turning my skin a light shade of pink.

None of my friends had messaged me since Thursday and I was grateful. Of course it hurt, but it's what I wanted, after all.

A sudden banging sound makes me jump, bashing my shoulder against the tiles.

I strain to hear where it's coming from until I realise it's the front door. Someone's knocking.

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