A fresh start is exactly what London McLaren needs in order to forget the demons of her past. A new last name, a new town and a new school.
She's about to start her final year of high school, ready to obey her parent's orders to keep her head down a...
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Monday, June 1st, 2020
I'd never heard a silence quite so deafening.
The sky had turned a dark grey. Thunder was booming in the distance. Asher had left minutes ago, giving us some privacy. He'd whispered something to Harry, patted him on the shoulder and left.
Harry had taken Asher's place next to me on the steps. He hadn't looked at me yet.
Thunder cracks overhead and I flinch.
"Let's go to my car," Harry says numbly.
He doesn't wait for me to follow him but I know he expects it.
His shoulders are tense when he walks. His hands are stuffed into the pockets of his school blazer and for the first time, I realise he's wearing one of the baseball caps Liam gave him.
He unlocks his car and pulls on the handle aggressively, slamming it shut behind him. I shuffle around to the passenger side door, lightening crackles above me, illuminating the sky.
At any other given time, the comfort of Harry's car would soothe me. But it only makes me feel sicker.
We stare out the windshield. The rain begins to patter down lightly, obscuring our view of the school.
"I want you to— to explain everything to me. I'm not going to interrupt you because— I need you to help me understand," he croaks.
Tears are already streaming down my face and I haven't even begun.
"The day it happened, it started out like any other day. Nix had football practice. I was getting a lift to school with my friend. Nothing was unusual. Nix was— seemed fine. I thought.
"He might have been nicer to me than usual but...but I didn't expect...I never expected it.
"Things changed at school. It was— was normal at first. But— but then we heard the first..."
Bang.
I flinch, closing my eyes. Tears spill down my cheek as I remember that day so vividly.
"We all evacuated to the front of the school. I was standing with some friends when the teachers brought out a student, Billy who'd seen...he saw his girlfriend..." I begin to sob, my shoulders shaking.
"She was the first victim. Layla, her name was. And then— then Billy said his name. Nix. He—he— said Nix killed her."
I lean my head against the cool window. The rain begins to bucket down, pounding against the window like it wants to be let inside.
"I fainted after that. Completely blacked out. I woke up hours later, in hospital. They told me then that— that he was dead.
"He'd been in the gymnasium. That's where—where all his— where everyone...died. He hadn't turned up to training that morning, so...I don't know. He was just waiting in the gym or something.
"He'd killed himself in his car after he mu—murdered fifteen students. Fifteen people that we had been going to school with for years. People we'd known our whole lives.
"I never saw it coming. No one did. Nix wasn't— he never seemed like that. I hate myself every day that I wasn't able to stop him, to save those fifteen people. I wish I could have saved Li— Liam and—"
It was getting hard to breathe. My chest was physically aching. I clutch my hands to my chest, closing my eyes.
"The police never found anything. No lists with people's names or even a suicide note. They don't know why he did what he did. I don't know why he chose the people he did or if it was just random but...I..."
I stop to take a breath. This was all getting too much. I didn't want to tell him any of this.
"The police interviewed me but I didn't know anything. For a while, everyone thought I was a suspect. People hated me. That's why I— why I left town."
I watch Harry in my periphery. A single tear rolls down his cheek, running over his clenched jaw and landing on his uniform.
"I went in to identify the body the next day. My parents hadn't been answering the phone because they were on a plane, going away for their anniversary.
"It didn't seem real until I saw— saw him lying there, pale and lifeless."
I breath out slowly, feeling a sob rising from my chest. "I'm so sorry, Harry. I know it'll never be enough but I— I wish I could— I wish..."
What did I fucking wish? That I could change the past? What good would that do Liam now? What good would my words do to help Harry?
"I didn't realise who Liam was until the fundraiser. I know I should have told you but I— I..."
I'm hyperventilating. There isn't any air left in this car. I need to get out.
I yank on the door handle, stumbling from the car. My hands hit the pavement below me. The rain plummets down on me, drenching me to the core. I scream, agony breaking my voice, cracking it completely. I lay down on my back, letting the rain engulf me.
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS, HUH? WHY?" I scream into the sky.
I clutch at my head, my lip trembling as a sob wracks through my entire body. I go to stand but slip on the ground, my head hitting the concrete.
"Why didn't you talk to me, Nix?" I whisper, utterly exhausted.
The car door slams and Harry rushes over to me, his feet splattering against the slippery concrete. He kneels next to me, his beautiful face filled with concern. He isn't wearing the cap now and his hair is plastered to his forehead.
"Let me take you home," he shouts over the rain.
"No," I say, muffled. "I don't deserve you."
He picks me up cradling me in his arms. I rest my head against his chest, closing my eyes.
I didn't deserve to be acting like this. Here I was, crying uncontrollably whilst Harry held me together, after learning the horrible truth.
He places me gently in the passenger seat, buckling my seatbelt. I'm soaked to the bone, shaking uncontrollably from the rain.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, my eyes flicking over to Harry.
He wracks a shaky hand through his soaked hair, his muscles tensing.
"The photos on your phone with that boy you clearly didn't like to talk about. The times you spoke about someone you'd lost. Living in Winterville. All the signs were there," he says hoarsely, shaking his head.
"I'm so sorry," I repeat. I can't seem to stop saying it like I'm waiting for the words to finally have meaning. Like they'll ever fix anything.
Words were just words. They couldn't fix the past.
"I just— I need some time. To think," he whispers, turning on the engine.
My chest constricts, my teeth chattering from the cold. "I don't want you to forgive me. I want—want you to hate me. Blame me."
"Lonnie. You need to rest. You aren't making any sense."
I close my eyes, wrapping my arms around my knees and pulling them up to my chest. "I want...I want..."
My head lulls to the side and I can feel the darkness slowly creeping in. I let it consume me.
