Blue Satin

In My Feelings

On Thursday and Friday Sage was busy with work and I didn't see him. That caused me to spend time painting in the attic and listen to music in the shade underneath an orange tree in the part of our garden where we grew lemon and orange trees.

In fact, on Friday afternoon Lorenzo and I both stayed underneath a tree, smelling lemon leaves. He was laying down I leaned against the tree. He told me about losing his virginity with Harry and I admitted that I lost mine too. We talked a bit about it just to realise how much we stopped talking to each other. We made a promise that we will spend more time together and talk more often.

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Unfortunately Lorenzo went out with his friends and I was left alone at home. I decided to go for a walk, maybe do some shopping. Eventually I found a place to grab coffee from and sat down on a bench in front of a fountain. As I watched the water pour down I couldn't help but start thinking. And whenever I had time to think, I would overthink. The situation between Sage and me became very intense. My life was based on nothing but him and I saw nothing else. I neglected everything and that wasn't the healthiest thing to do. He brought it up a few times but I lied how I still met up with friends and what not. However I didn't and I didn't feel like. What scared me was the fact that now everything between us was rainbows and unicorns, but how long could that last? He would eventually want something more serious, something he wouldn't have to hide and what would I do then? For me what we had already was enough but then even I could wish for something more. Normal couples go for a holiday together and they do sleepovers or have dates in public. Sage and I needed to sneak around and if we decided to do a sleepover, we needed to wake up super early so no one would find my bed empty or him in it with me.

My love for Sage became like an obsession. It was way too deep and I just couldn't help it. It was my first love, I've never loved anyone before and that is why I had a lot to give. He, on the other hand, was married and loved God knows how many women. So what did he really have to give me? I was just another relationship but not even close to being as special as he was to me. I would've told him this but maybe it was best not to.

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Another interesting thing was that my aunt and Mr Wilson officially got into a relationship and things seemed to really be working out for them. I felt happy about it.

This update is short but I find it necessary. Expect the next one faster because of this Xo