When Insecurity Knocks

Chapter 39

"It's a good idea right?" I ask Eli as he pulls on his night pants. He shrugs at me, "well babe I don't really think you should... You don't even know that man" he says and absentmindedly begins to flex in our mirror. "I know and this will give me a reason to meet him. No one can be so cold as to miss their child's wedding" I say. "I see where your coming from, but he obviously doesn't care about you", my heart stings, "why don't you focus on the people who do". "Why would you say something like that? Maybe he does care, maybe he loves me you don't know!". "Well then where has he been your entire life?". "Maybe he has a reason!" "He has a reason for ignoring his child for over twenty four years?" He says and kneels beside the bed. He takes my hands, "babe, don't do this to yourself. Say you do invite him and he doesn't come. I don't want you to be upset because he doesn't care". I sigh, "I just want to meet him... Just once". He strokes my cheek, "with the wedding and the baby... This is a really important time in my life, and I want him to be apart of it".

Eli kisses my hands, "I know baby, I get it. But I still think that it's a bad idea". I don't agree with him, I can't. He doesn't know what it's like to have an empty space in your heart. He doesn't know what it's like to grow up without parents. This is my decision and I'm going to make it happen. I don't care what he says. Rae will help me, I know he will.

Eli turns off the lights and climbs into bed with me. I snuggle up into him and close my eyes but sleep never comes. I spend the entire night thinking about my dad. I have no idea what he looks or sounds like. Even when I imagine my mom it's a little unclear. I can't take it. I want to know him, I wasn't too understand what it is that made him leave. Is it me? I have never done anything to that man and yet he refuses to show his face. He refuses to meet his daughter. Why!? Why is he so selfish! Only thinking about himself! He could've at least let me see him, he could've at least let me know about my family, about his past, or what my last name should be! And now because of him whenever I try to imagine what he would look like Rae's face appears.

But for some reason I still love him as much as a daughter should love her father, and I continuously try to make excuses for his absence. And I know that Eli is trying to help me understand that he doesn't care but still, I feel like he deserves forgiveness. Could it be that I'm the one who's wrong? Could it just be that I care too much to see that he doesn't? I really hope not. I don't think that I could handle the truth.

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As a result from last night I sleep the entire day, miss breakfast, and lunch and wake up starving. I walk into the kitchen and eat the first thing I see, which just so happened to be an apple.

"Oh look whose up" Eli says walking into the kitchen. I kiss him with my mouth full of apple then lean on the counter. "I stocked the fridge with healthy snacks this morning" Eli says, "and gave away the junk food". "What! Why?" I ask. "Because a healthy mother is a healthy baby. I want to make sure your pregnancy runs smoothly" he says pouncing my cheek teasingly. "I would have been fine eating junk food" I say. "You would gain a lot of weight which will be hard to lose after you deliver".

This offends me, "is that your way of telling me that you won't like my body if I gained too much weight" I ask shyly. "No, it's my way of telling you that if you stay healthy you'll be happy with your results". He always has a way to make me feel better. "Ok good". He smiles at me then turns and bends over to get a pan from under the sink. "Chicken?" He asks. "Yeah" I say and finish my apple. "Do you want to help me cook?". I nod and wash my hands.

We make dinner and eat at the dining room table. Eli had his laptop open and researches the importance of staying healthy while pregnant. Now he's decided that with every meal, I have to have either fruit or vegetables and when it comes to snacks they have to be healthy. The only time I can eat what I want is when I have cravings. Also he's thinking about checking out a park a few blocks down so that we can walk together as exercise.

That night while Eli is in bed asleep, I stay in the living room watching TV. And as I flip through the channels I can't help but think about my dad. Tempted to know the truth I pick up my phone and call Rae. "Hello" he says. "Hey" I reply. "Hey Lace, what do you need?" He asks. I pause for a moment. I never ask about my dad, this is my first time and now I'm feeling nervous. "I....umm..." I sigh, "I want to invite my dad to the wedding". Now it's Rae who won't speak. "...uh... Lace can we talk about this some other time" he asks. "When? I never ask about him I think you owe me some type of explanation". "Sweetie it's not a good idea. He won't show up trust me on that" he says. "Why not, why'd he leave?". "Lace...", "Rae please tell me. I'm tired of guessing" I whisper. There is a long pause, "I don't want you to worry about that man. OK. He never cared enough to come see you or mom, or send money to help you two or anything... he was a really bad man, and I'm actually glad you never had to meet him."

By now I'm crying. "OK" I choke out. "Alright, don't get upset over it... I don't want that for you" he says. "OK" I repeat and hang up. I put my phone down and sob.

Why did I ever think that he cared. He impregnated my mom then left us and never came back. He doesn't care, he never cared... He doesn't want me.

I shut off the television and walk into the bedroom, crying for Eli to wake up. "Eli" I cry and shake his arm. Im in need of his comfort right now. I shake him harder, "Eli". He rolls over and sits up, "yeah". The lamp is switched on. "Woah, baby what happened?" He asks. "Rae just told me about my dad..." I sniffle. "What did he say" he asks wiping away my tears. I cry harder, "he says he doesn't want me" I sob and he pulls me into his arms. "Oh babe I'm so sorry, it's a shame you have to deal with that. But you know what, that man is the one missing out, not you. You're getting married and having a baby, while he's alone wherever it is he's hiding. Don't let that man take over, you keep on living and you stay strong. He's a coward."

He's right. I shouldn't let my feelings for someone who doesn't care about me take over. He doesn't deserve it. I should give those feelings to someone who does. Like Rae. He's the one who took care of me and raised me into the woman I am today and he deserves every ounce of care and love that I have. I don't need to have a father when I have my big brother.