Hunting Sunsets

Twenty Eight

My body was leaned back against the leather seats, my head learning against my first while my arm proped itself up on the edge of the door. The boredom in my head was pounding at my very senses, watching other cars go by on the freeway. I hated long drives.

"Are we there yet?" The only response I got was a teasing glare from the man in the drivers seat but I couldn't help but smirk. "It's a serious question."

"You know where we are," he replied easily. "You aren't four. Which is why I'm glad the other one went with his girlfriend," Smith muttered. Jake has abandoned me a few days ago to fly to Michigan to see Jess' family before Christmas. They didn't celebrate, but winter break was winter break. The couple of three years would join us in Irvine later in the week so Jake could spend Christmas with his family.

Smith and Jake were brothers and I don't just mean that in terms of their friendship. Smit had been coming to Irvine for winter break since Jake's freshman year. Smith's family lived in Hawaii and they didn't want to pay for Smit to go to and from more than once a year so he stayed on the mainland for Christmas and visited in the summer for a longer period of time than three weeks. It took a toll on Smith, especially to be away from his younger sister, but it was a price he paid to go to Stanford on a full ride.

"This is your millionth time driving home, I'd be concerned if you didn't know where we are."

"Maybe I'm directionally impaired, Kyoh."

"I will leave you on the side of the road."

"Alma and Lucas wouldn't be very pleased with you if you abandoned their only daughter on the side of the I-5," I drawled, turning to glance at Smit's profile against the grey urban scenery.

"They love me like a son. Me for you? No problem they'd happily replace you," Smit shrugged non-chalantly, not taking his eyes off the road.

"Pretty sure they thought you were Jake's boyfriend his freshman year."

That took Smith's attention in the form of a fleeting glance in my direction. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," I laughed. "They had one gay kid what's another? They just assumed Jake didn't want to talk about it. Pretty sure they know the truth now."

"I'd hope so," Smith muttered. "Even if I was gay, I would not be into your brother."

I hit the driver lightly on the shoulder with my first, glaring in his direction. "You wouldn't fuck the male version of me? This is officially an argument."

"You look nothing like him."

"Liar." Besides our dramatically different heights and hair, the two of us were pale Swedes with frighteningly icy eyes. My face was slightly wider than Jake's, but I would say our bone structure was easily one of siblings. "You had a chance to be a Svennson and you blew it."

"Mhm," Smit hummed. "I'm sure I did." The connotation of what I had said hit me after Smith had responded, a small unsettling stab settling in my gut. "Were they as excited as when you brought home that loser your freshman year?"

"I think so but they were containing it," I murmured. "Maybe it was just a adjustment to the fact their son might be gay too. They had their grieving time with me, though. They got over it fast enough." My parents hadn't expected it when I came out and my traditional mom didn't react as perfectly as I would have hoped. It took her a week to grasp the concept, but luckily enough she was supportive and caring. So many people didn't have that luck in their situation. If Jake had in fact been gay or bi, their reaction to him would have been much warmer considering they had already 'dealt' with their feelings for me.

"Ouch," Smith mocked offense. "They were more excited for that asshole than me."

"It was more about your dick than anything." I had only talked about when I came out to my parents with Smit briefly, but he knew the jist of the situation. Coming to accept who I was had been an ongoing issue for reasons that will not be named, but admit had been helping me through it for years now. I think I was finally starting to reach a place where I was at least someone comfortable accepting myself again. But of course that's when everything else falls apart. Life, right? It sucked sometimes. Or a lot of the time.

"Lovely," he mused, taking another glance away from his highway induced coma before looking back at the road. "Did you ever tell them about why you guys broke up?"

I ran my tongue over my teeth behind my lips, subconsciously crossing my legs. I didn't want to answer or even think about that question but Smith has a right to know. I had dragged him to hell and back because of Noah; he deserved an answer.

"No." My curt reply was met with silence as the sound soft of the tires in the pavement and the wind against the outside of the car filled the space. "That would have done nothing but make them feel bad, make Jake feel worse, and make me feel even more embarrassed and shittier."

"There's nothing wrong with that choice, but there's nothing to be em-"

"Yes there is," I snapped without even thinking about it, shutting Smith up before he could even think about continuing his sentence. "Let Jake best your face in then tell me how you feel."

"I'm not saying your feelings aren't justified, I'm saying it shouldn't matter to other people and what they think of you." The shift in Smith's tone was a clear as day but I couldn't fault him for it. It pissed me off more than anything, but he was just being a caring friend.

Smit held his giant sized hand out, palm up. I put my left hand on his, my fingers sliding between Smit's much longer, tanner ones. I knew from the way his thumb ran over the back of my hand that he was going to say something that would make me tense up or attempt to console me. I knew Smit too well for me to be fooled by it.

Same people didn't like physical affection or affection at all. I couldn't lie, I was one of those people and Smith certainly was not. I had simply always been like that and I couldn't fix it. Granted, I'm romantic tenses I depended heavily on sexual intimacy even if it wasn't an emotional thing. I had managed in my relationship with Jade because I had cared about her enough to get through it, but my single life was evidence enough of my dependence.

But I had never liked hugging, cuddling, hand holding; any of it. No matter if it was family, friends, lovers. I wasn't a fan unless it was a sexual partner in the privacy of my own home. Smith had accepted that at first, but as our friendship slowly grew I was the one that was forced to accept that he liked to touch and be touched. Smit liked hand holding and hugs, he enjoyed expressing care and concern in more physical ways.

To be completely honest, the only time we were held hands was in a platonic way. There was never anything sexual or romantic about it for us. In fact the only time I ever hand my fingers intertwined with his during sex was the last time we had done it after my breakup. Every other time had been when one of us was upset or joking around in an almost brotherly way.

"May, did he ever hit you before that time when you broke up?"

"No."

"Okay..." Smith said softly, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "Good," he settled on, his hand still in mine.

And it was best Smith left it at 'good', because I had nothing else to say. My past was my past, and it would stay that way. There was only the future and that was what I had to live in.

What both of us had to live in.