Until You Say It [Completed]

Kabanata 18

A lot may misunderstand me why I had to choose moving on when I promised that I'll love her always whatever happens. I stopped loving her the moment I realized I'm loving her more than I love myself. It was never a waste loving her, that's for sure...but I get myself drown by the love I have for her that I already forgot to love myself first.

I got tired too, because you can't blame a heart that is hurting a lot.

A heart that always try to understand things, that always choose to love despite of being hurt, will get tired too. I have that heart.

She insisted on buying the coffee for the both of us. Hindi nagtagal ay nilapag na rin niya ang coffee sa tapat ko. "Caffe americano for you, Mr. Villangco." She laughed a bit. I mouthed thank you. She took a sip from her frapuccino before turning back to me again. "So, how was it like being a freshman before?" Panimula niya. Medyo napatitig ako na ganito siya ngayon. I was expecting her to be able to speak again but not as jolly as she is today.

"Had adjustments on my first week, eventually adjusted the next week." I also took a sip of my coffee. "BS in Accountancy?" Paglilinaw ko, tumango-tango siya, hindi pa rin nawawala ang ngiti sa mga labi. "You don't have anyone to accompany you?" Agad siyang umiling. Napatango na lamang ako. "You should make friends..." Suhestiyon ko sa kanya na sinang-ayunan naman niya.

"Hindi pa ako sanay...I was able to speak again, just...just few months ago." Nailapag ko ang kape sa table dahil sa sinabi niya. "It was hard...wala ka na eh." The last words were told in a low voice but I was able to hear it. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.

"It was your decision." Sambit ko, I watched her reactions...from sad eyes, she made it look like she's well aware that it was her decision. "I even beg you to let me stay with you." Tumango siya, nakatitig sa mga mata ko. "You didn't forget them, do you?"

"Yes. I still remember them. Everything Dray..." I slowly stared back at her. "I made you stay away from me. I kissed Sir Brantley in front of you. Yet you still have that heart for me. You saved me from the bullies. You got hurt because of me. Still, I chose to make you stay away from me at the end. I pushed you away." She took another sip of her drink.

"Okay na 'yun Yshara. That's all in the past, I've moved on." I sincerely smiled at her, she gave me the same smile. "I had to move on, and to stop loving you for a while...sana maintindihan mo 'yun. I was hurt."

"Naiintindihan ko. That's why I wanted to say sorry, sorry for everything, for hurting you above all. My life almost depended on having you, I had to make a choice. At alam ko, that choice wasn't the best choice. But I had to look forward for tomorrow, to have a fresh start again and be better than I was yesterday...that is without you." Natigilan ako. "I had to stand on my own. I don't want to depend on you and be a burden one day. Na kapag natatakot ako, ikaw ang unang hahanapin ko, na kapag madadapa ako ikaw ang unang tatawagin ko..."

"Gusto kitang mahalin na buong-buo ako. Kasi alam ko na hindi ako buo nung nakilala mo ako. I have doubts, I have a lot of fears. My anxiety won't stop...It's hard to understand, it's hard to make others understand what I really feel inside and how I still hear those voices inside."

"Pero pwede mong buuhin 'yung sarili mo, habang nandito ako sa tabi mo. Kasi wala akong balak umalis noon kundi mo ako pinagtabuyan. Pwede mong buuhin 'yung sarili mo na hindi ako pinagtutulakan palayo." Nilagok ko ang natitirang kape. "You just didn't trust me enough that I love you. Yshara, you didn't trust me enough that I won't leave. You didn't trust me enough that I won't get tired staying with you, so you pushed me, you hurt me."

She bit her lower lip. "But I was never mad at you. I can't blame you too. It is your decision, and I know you know yourself better than I do." Her face glowed when I say those words. Napangiti ako nang dahil doon.