🔶 27 - Hatred 🔶

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(WARNING ⚠️: Contains DARK THOUGHTS and PURE ANGST. You can skip this part if you want.)


[Api's POV]

It's been months since I'm hurting myself. Well actually, I lost count of it. All I know is that, I'm doing it everyday.

It became a habit of mine, since I never really cared about myself. I hate myself. As much as people hated me.

Why am I even born in this world anyway? It's not like I have a purpose or anything...

Also, I wasn't eating rightly. Sometimes, I only get to eat two times a day, or only once. Sometimes, I even skip meals. Yeah, no breakfast, lunch, nor even dinner.

Since I've been doing this everyday, I noticed myself getting weaker as time goes by. I also noticed my body's getting thinner, as I kept losing pounds everytime. Well, as I said, I don't care about myself, so what's so important about my health anyway?

If you're wondering, yes, I'm still going to school. But my friends still doesn't know what I've been going through, nor what I've been doing to myself. I just don't want their happy faces to be replaced by a gloomy and worried one, just because of me.

I hate myself. I freaking hate myself so much. I'm no good to anyone. Everybody hates me, even my family. They don't know what I'm going through right now.

Honestly, I don't think anyone really understands how tiring it is to act okay and always be strong when in reality, you're close to the edge.

I was here in my dusky room, kneeling on the floor as I stared at my reflection on the circular mirror. It has been my routine ever since when I don't have anything to do; Talking myself to a mirror.

"You're nothing, Api." I muttered, looking straightly at myself. "You're nothing like an empty cup. You're nothing like a blank, piece of paper. You're nothing but a junk. You're nothing but a wimp." I said to myself, my dull-looking eyes gazing at my reflection.

"You are nothing at all, Api."

To be honest, I can't feel any pain when I'm hurting myself. Or maybe, I'm just too numb to even feel it. But actually, pain is when you are slowly dying on the inside, and you are too weak to speak about it.

That's the kind of pain I'm feeling, and it's directly in my chest; My heart. It got hurt, crashed and broken. Thanks to those people who'd done this to me.

By this time, I can't really remember anything anymore. Those memories I have with my family, especially my big brother. It's like, those images in my mind faded away.

All I could picture out right now is them, hurting me mentally, and physically. Yelling on my ear that big brother Cahaya's better and I'm not good enough. Whispering me some offending names. Heh, I really couldn't believe I got used to those by now.

Actually by now, I should be crying. I should be breaking down right now. But, I don't really feel like crying. Or maybe, I just thought that if I cry, I'm just going to be a coward.

I'm trying... to keep hold of myself. To remain strong. To endure everything I'm going through. And, telling myself that everything would be fine.

But honestly, I'm millimeter away from bearing all of these. And when I reached that millimeter limit, that's when I thought...

... my time is up.

<> <~> <>

Another day had passed, and it's time to go to school, again. But since my body feels weak, I think I couldn't go today. I guess it's my first time being absent this school year.

I breathed heavily, my head feels dizzy and my ears were ringing. Urgh, I haven't feel any of this before. What's going on with me?

I slowly got up from my bed. But when I do, I suddenly fell down on the floor with a loud thud, grunting afterwards. I have to stay strong, I shouldn't be weak!

I tried standing up, but ending falling on the floor again. I sighed deeply as I decided to crawl instead and went towards the mirror. When I successfully made it, I glanced my reflection on it.

I saw myself, all thin, all weak, and tired. Tired from thinking, tired from everything. I chuckled weakly as I stared at myself. That's when until, I glanced at the cutter again.

"I guess... it's time."

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