Isn't it Ironic

The End of a Life

And there in the middle of that Christmas Party, at our friend's house up in the mountain during a beautiful starry night; I realized that none of these people around me, people who I considered best friends, truly were my friends or cared about me at all. The best decision I could make was bringing Caroline and Antonio along.

I suddenly felt arms around me, I looked to my left to see Caroline looking at me with a sad smile. "Are you ready to leave?"

I stared at her for a few seconds because that question was loaded. I knew at that moment that what I had just realized, she had known all along. She had shared many moments with these "friends" with me, with my cousin and Mary, with my so-called "guy best friend", with Alex; she had been the true best friend all along. She would play nice and be friendly, she would warn me about everything she saw was sketchy but never really discouraged my new other friendships because she knew that at least on some small level I was happy, because I believed it was all real and she never popped my bubble. Instead she just let it ride and was there for when it was finally out of air to catch me while I was falling.

So I stared at her while I processed the question. I gathered up the courage to look around, I saw everyone in their own little world talking and laughing, no one was looking our way. I took a deep breath and looked at Caroline and with a small smile I answered her question, "Yeah, yeah I'm ready to leave", and I was, at that moment I was ready to leave it all behind. So we walked out without looking back at the party.

When we were down the mountain, out of my father's and my hometown, on the highway towards the city once again, I felt a cloud leave from over my head. I felt like I could once again breathe, and I did, I took one big breath. Looking back now I remember feeling a strange kind of happiness, I think I knew in that moment that my life would change for the better. No more toxic people, no more false friendships. I knew that although I was hurt and it would still hurt for a while that I was already healing. This was the end of a life for me, but the beginning of a more real and happier one.

I spent years cultivating these friendships that in the moment I thought were so important, that I believed I had to maintain because if not I could lose them and that terrified me; but now I had all this energy and space in my life and mind that I could use to do many positive things, to cultivate real friendships, take on new projects, move towards the future I really wanted and not the one I thought I had to fulfill because it seemed perfect for my family and society.

It was the morning after, my head hurt a bit and my heart felt tight. Mornings are the most heartbreaking part of the day, you wake up all dizzy from sleep and there is that bit of time where your head hasn't registered all the events that have happened the days before. That moment of bliss before you suddenly remember everything all at once and your heart shatters.

I picked up my phone from the bedside table, I scrolled through my notifications and I saw a text from Alex.

A- disappearing act in the middle of a party? that not very you Selene

I didn't even think about it before answering.

S-after so many times of pulling a Houdini with you, I guess it stuck

His reply caught me completely off guard not just because of what he said but because it came immediately after I responded.

A- I'm sorry for just springing her on you last night at the party, I'm an asshole, we both know this. I need to talk to you, can I come over? Please Lena, don't let us leave things like this.

The thing about Alex is that even though our time together was relatively short, it's been intense, he knows me inside out better than I know myself. He knows this and so he knows how to play me like a fucking violin. Let's dissect his message so that you can understand the reason I was weak at that moment and answer exactly what he wanted me to. The first thing he did was apologize, then he proceeded to admit he was an asshole, making me believe he was vulnerable at that moment. Right after he begged and used my nickname not babe or baby or kitten like he would use with every other girl, and then he finished me off with that last sentence showing me he "cares" about us and our history enough to want to at least have an ending better than it is right now. So of course I replied:

S- Caroline and Antonio stayed with me last night, I'll let you know when they leave and you can come over to talk

That morning I cried over pancakes with Care and Tony, told them Alex was coming over to talk, received 3 pep talks from Tony of all people and had popcorn with peanut m&ms for lunch (my comfort food). Care and Tony finally left around 4 pm. I steadied myself and texted Alex to come over.