Balancing Love ☞︎ A Jesse St. James fan fic

I Dont Even Know If I Have The Spirit For This Crap Anymore...

Life has just seemed to get worse. Ever since Kurt left, New York has been more lonely then ever. I never thought I would say I miss having so many of my friends stay at my place. I hated it before but then I got use to it and now... no one.

Now that's not entirely true. Jesse is amazing and he's been amazing through all of this. He's the one good thing I have in my physical life. Everything else is over the phone. Talking to family and friends. Phone.

Jesse and I moved to a MUCH better neighborhood of Manhattan. I sobbed when our lease came up. Then I sobbed again when it was empty and everything was packed. Jesse and I afforded it easily as Jesse was actually picked up for this huge play they're going to be doing. It's still in the early stages but it's exciting. They're paying him a lot for his talents. He's going to be the lead. I'm insanely proud and happy for him.

I've been working at the Ballet organization for a few months now and it was great at the beginning... but now it's starting to feel boring and the days just drag on. They do some amazing work but they never actually go to see it through. They just trust it will. We do all the work and rarely ever go to see the succeeded result. It's getting tiring.

Then, on top of that, school has been horrible. Of course my grades are perfectly fine, but I have no friends! I haven't managed to make any new ones. I thought maybe I could re-connect with Adam- Kurts ex- but then I remembered he already graduated. I tried Calum but Jesse was very much uncomfortable with that. And in the end, so was I. I also tried some of the people from my classes... but they seemed more interested in my past then being my friend. Or they wanted to know where Rachel was and how she was doing after her life got ruined.

I heard from some younger classman, Cassie was laughing and talking a lot about Rachel's fail in class.

It was just that most of my days seemed very lonely, besides Jesse, everything was horrible. I had wished I stayed in Lima with them many times during each day, but then I come to mine and Jesse's home, I see Jesse, I spend time with him; and I don't regret it. Because it would feel just as empty if he wasn't in my life. But as the moments I wasn't with him, dragged on, I started questioning my love for dance.

Was this how it was going to be in the real world? So cold and empty? So lonely? I mean, everyone was fighting for a chance to be the star on stage. Is this what I wanted? I've questioned my life choice before and I chose dance... but that was some time ago. I've changed! My life's changed! So maybe my choice should change...

My feet are always hurting, school is a drag, the organization is seemingly boring and going nowhere excitement wise... what am I gonna do? Should I quit NYADA? Try and find a new passion? Go to school for another four years. God! Why did people have to change? Why did life have to change?!

There I was, pacing around our apartment as Jesse was out talking about the script of the show. He was apart of everything now. Which was so great! But it also meant he was very busy... which left me alone even more. So again! There I was, pacing around our apartment. Thinking all of these things over.

What to do... what to do...

My phone rang again and I groaned loudly. My father had been calling me every fifteen minutes to make sure we were settling in, even after these few months. So every fifteen minutes I had to pretend that I wasn't in the edge of a nervous breakdown. I hit the accept button.

"Dad, like I said, I'm fine. I don't need you bringing my fluffy pajamas from storage!" I shout before he can dare utter a word. The voice says nothing but clears it's voice.

"Um Ms. Rivers?" A mans voice who was definitely not my father, asked.

"Oh, my god." I whisper. "Um, yes, this is she." I say, trying to gain my composer.