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I had been so fucking drunk.
So much for an attempt at putting alcohol on the back-burner. It only took one night - not even a week yet in Canada - and a girl who was making me want to knock back shots just to impress her.
How goddamn pathetic can I get?
This was supposed to just be a quick trip out, head to a bar, feel human again for five minutes and then go home. But of course nothing would ever be that simple. And now, I was standing in the same room as who was essentially my childhood sweetheart.
I gulp even at the term. Something that has such innocence attached to it, whereas there has been nothing innocent, untainted or precious about anything in may life. Seeing her there, the same nose, the same brown eyes, wavy brown hair falling across her cheek - it feels like my chest is going to finally give up and collapse.
"Franny?" I call out softly and I see her practically jolt off the bed and stand awkwardly in front of me, limbs jittery and her eyes darting around nervously.
"I..." she cuts herself off and seems like she has no words, but fuck, it feels like I have a million to say and no voice to make it happen. "We didn't," she finally says. "We didn't do anything."
I nod slowly. "Right. Right. That wouldn't have been the best way to meet again."
A little smile tugs up at the corners of her lips. "Probably not. But, Christ, it's been so long it doesn't really feel like you're actually there."
I stand up from where I was crouching on the floor and let out of a sigh. The air feels warm, too warm, and everything feels suffocating and tight. I want to throw my arms around her, I want to tell her everything that's happened, I want to here everything that's happened to her and I want to crumble to the ground all in one go.
This is why I hate alcohol. You only get to finally forget everything until you're sober the next morning. Then everything comes back twice as vivid and twice as painful.
"It doesn't feel like you're here either," I say quietly.
"You live in Toronto?" she asks.
I shake my head. "Brief vacation."
Her smile slips a little. "Oh. Right."
I realize I'm still shirtless and quickly grab a top from the back of the nearest armchair. Franny straightens out her clothes and I finally remember that even if nothing happened last night, some stuff did. And I was too fucked out to remember any of it. We probably kissed. And the alcohol took that from me.
My suddenly sad thoughts are interrupted by Franny. She looks up from her phone that she had been checking and awkwardly clears her throat. "Um, I probably would have suggested we go get coffee or something but showing up in public with clothes that smell of alcohol probably doesn't look the best."
I nod quickly. "Of course. I probably look pretty rough as well. I haven't drank in a long time."
She looks down, a little smile on her face. "You don't look bad," she whispers and I almost miss it.
Maybe it's because it's been so long since I've seen her and thoughts and old feelings are rushing through me, but I can't help the feeling that I'm about to blush from her words. Christ, Tyler, she didn't even compliment you, she just said you didn't look like crap.
I take the time however to finally look at her. Not in a hazy, post-alcohol gaze, but to actually look at her.
I can't help smiling.
She looks different. Her hair is shorter, now just past her shoulders. She seems taller even though I know that probably hasn't changed. Her skin has a few more freckles and is less pale than it used to be. Something tugs at me when I reach her eyes though.
They're exactly the same.
They even still have that tiny fleck in them which she told me was green.
"It's good to see you," I whisper.
Franny looks up, surprised, before her face falls into a soft, warm smile.
Everything has felt so tense, and so lonely and so lost for ages. Nothing felt normal or right. But now, just being able to see someone from the past, someone who had truly loved me and cared about me before everything else...I feel like I'm on cloud nine.
"It's good to see you too, Tyler," she says quietly and my smile broadens. Her phone goes off and she quickly looks at the screen before hesitantly looking back at me. "I...I should really head back."
I swallow back how it weirdly feels like a rejection.
"But I...I really want to get that coffee sometime," she says. "I mean only if you want to. You might not want to which is fine, I-I get it..."
"I really want that coffee too," I say.
A glowing smile lights up her face and she nods her head. "Okay, um, you free Tuesday?"
"Tuesday it is," I say.
Franny doesn't stop smiling and holds out her phone. I take it and put in my phone number. She clutches her phone back to her chest and rolls back and forth on the balls of her feet.
Her phone goes off again.
She jolts and finally realizes that she's been fading in and out for a minute too long. "Okay, great. Tuesday."
"I'm looking forward to it," I say. "Franny."
Her smile slips slightly and a look crosses her face that I don't know how to interpret. She looks conflicted and I'm trying to figure out why until she suddenly rushes forward and wraps her arms around my torso.
I suck in a breath, her hair brushing under my chin, her body pressed against mine and before I can even put her arms around her, she's gone and rushing out the door, waving a hand behind her.
"Tuesday!" she yells as I hear the front door open.
