The King's Artist

Ch 46: To Sacrifice

I think things are not meant to last so that for the short time they are here, we're able to appreciate them and love them so much more fully that if they lasted forever

- Elizabeth Gultom

"Are you sure you're going to be happy with this decision?" Jasper asked Adelaide later. The two sat in his study quietly. A fire burned in the hearth warmly consuming the room as its two occupance sipped gingerly on some tea that Jasper had brewed. Adelaide's movements were methodical and unfocused and she seemed elsewhere. Jasper didn't press her for an immediate answer and waited patiently for her to speak.

"I was unable to accomplish a lot of the things I wanted to as a girl," Adelaide whispered mainly to herself, her voice nearly lost in the cup of tea. She set it down in front of her and tucked her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. Jasper didn't say anything in response to her statement. He merely took a drink and listened. "When I was thinking about what to do, what decision I needed to make, I tried to remember why I left behind being Adelaide in the first place. Why I abandoned by identify as a girl and started this whole mess."

Adelaide looked up to meet Jasper's gaze.

"And it was because I wasn't happy. Not remotely. I can't recall a single time being happy as Adelaide, Jasper. I was overlooked, my dream ignored and laughed at. People would occasionally tell me I was pretty and could probably marry into a nice family, but I didn't want to just be someone's pretty wife. I wanted to be something more than that. Have something more than that." Adelaide's eyes suddenly stung as she she looked back to her childhood. The majority of people's faces were blurry and their names long since forgotten. Adelaide had half expected a small tingle of nostalgic warmth to hit her, but there was nothing. She was just cold.

"But you clearly missed something, Adelaide. Something about being a girl," Jasper's voice was barely above a whisper as well. "Why else would you have gone through all this trouble?"

"I'm not sure," she answered honestly. "I think I was missing something that was never there in the first place." Adelaide paused, her eyes falling to the tea in front of her still sitting untouched on the table. "And I think my imagination began to run a little wild on me. When Henry finally returned my feelings for him after so many years, I began to contemplate what it would be like to be with him, have a family with him. But then Kayden pointed out to me that that sort of future was impossible for us."

Jasper didn't ask her to elaborate. It was something he, too, had been thinking about in recent weeks. However, he had seemingly come to the same conclusion as Kayden. Adelaide and Henry didn't have a future together. Not in the capacity that both would want anyway.

"But why choose a life as a man, Adelaide? I do not see where there is happiness in that decision either." Jasper continued, his stomaching twisting. "You will be alone, Adelaide. Alone and be forced to watch Henry marry and have a family with someone else. Are you alright with that? Can you live knowing that that is your fate?"

"I thought about it," Adelaide responsed, untucking her knees and reaching for her tea. "And I would be lying if I said I was okay with Henry being with someone else. But, this decision is more than that. If I become Adelaide, I will be deligated to a mundane lifestyle filled with gossiping tea sessions and false smiles. The only person whom I would miss would be Charity. As much as I like her mother and a few of the other ladies, the relationship I have with them is superficial. Being Adelaide is exciting because everything new, but what do I do when that newness wears off? Though I find it fascination now, I don't see myself content living that lifestyle forever.

"But as Arthur it's different," a ghost of a smile filtered onto Adelaide's face as she spoke. "I would be leaving behind more than just Henry if I stopped being him. I wouldn't be able to mess around with Marcus and Anthony anymore, or talk casually with Kayden or Theodore. There would be no more sparring practices or careless horseback rides for me. I would be expected to give up painting to focus on other things like sewing and housework. But worse of all," Adelaide's eyes burned as she chocked on her next words. "I'd be giving up you too."