Sam and Colby: The Penitentiary

52

Big didn't come back the next day. Or the day after that.

"Hey, Porter," I asked one day during free time.

"Hm?" he asked.

"When's Big coming back? It's been almost four days," I said. Porter lifted up his arm and uncomfortably scratched the back of his head.

"Word hasn't gotten out yet, has it?" he asked with a sigh.

"No. It hasn't," I said.

"I'm not allowed to tell you. Stick one of your men on it," he replied.

I went into the gym and walked over to Red.

"Red," I said. "Come here." I led us away from everyone else and lowered my voice.

"I need you to figure out what happened to Big. I know everyone assumed his sentence was extended from misbehaving, but something's up," I said.

"You got it, boss," said Red.

It was the end of second yard time when Red pulled me aside from everyone else. His eyes looked a little dark, his cheeks hollow.

"Big's, uh... he's not coming back," Red said quietly.

"Meaning...?" I asked. I knew they didn't just ship him off somewhere else. This was the highest level maximum security prison in the state and Big had just gotten in trouble. He wasn't going anywhere.

"Meaning he put his head through the wall," said Red.

"Big's... Big is dead?" I asked.

"Big's dead. Did it not even two hours after getting to the hole," Red said with an empty voice.

"I... oh," I said. I wasn't even sure what to say, didn't know what to feel. Me legs were stiff when I walked back over to the bleachers.

"Ness?" Colby asked.

"Later," I said, telling him it wasn't something to be discussed right now.

Why the hell didn't any of the guards say anything? Were they just hoping that we'd forget about him and move on or something? That was utter bullshit, but I wouldn't put it past Jinx to do something like that. But why did Big do that?

I suddenly remembered what he'd said to me in the cafeteria. That he was leaving, that I was ready. That's what the note was. He was planning on dying, planning on doing that to himself. He'd found someone else to take his spot so that he could finally go without causing too much of an uproar.

"Cell time. Let's go!" Jinx boomed, walking into the room.

Anger started growing inside of me. How dare Jinx just walk around carrying such devastating information, probably with absolutely no intention of ever even telling us. I looked directly at Jinx as we walked past him.

"Gee, I sure do hope Big comes back soon," I said to Red, my eyes locked with Jinx's. Jinx lightly clenched his jaw, knowing that I'd be spreading the news he intended to keep under wraps.

I was silent and straightfaced throughout the walk back to our cells and during evening count. Once the familiar sound of the cell doors slamming shut echoed through the air, I practically fell over into Colby's arms.

"Woah, hey. What's going on, princess?" he asked, pulling me into a hug.

"Bi—," I started, unable to finish the sentence. I wasn't going to say it out loud. First Theo, now Big. I sort of wished I'd ignored him the first day and just kept to myself, just walked right past him and tucked myself away into the back corner of the cafeteria and never opened my mouth. Making friends in here was dumb. Everyone in here would either be released or die in here and I'd never see them again either way.

"It's going to be okay," Colby said, rubbing my back. "I've got you, okay?"

I nodded against his chest, not wanting to say anything. I didn't want to speak, didn't want to feel.

Hearing that Big was dead made me feel different than when I heard about Theo. I'd gotten mad when I heard Theo died. It sent me into a fit of rage, made me feel the need to hurt someone else or even get hurt. I just needed a physical pain to distract me from the mental pain. Like if seeing a physical result would help me process it better. A bloody nose I could fix, I bloody nose I understood. But grief? Grief isn't something you can just wipe away, isn't something you can just put a bandage on. Death is something that no living person will ever truly be able to understand.

Turning mental pain into physical pain was how I'd coped with Theo's death. But now Big? I was exhausted. I had been pushing my mind to the brink every day, constantly trying to act tough and badass. I was physically exhausted too, spending every second of my time keeping good posture and a straight face to give off a vibe that told people I wasn't someone to be messed with.

"Talk to me, Ness," Colby said quietly.

"I... I don't... god, I just fucking hate myself," I whispered.

"You what?" Colby asked, pulling away from the hug. Seeing the hurt in his eyes from hearing that and feeling the hurt in my heart just sent me over the edge.

"I said I hate myself. I absolutely fucking despise who I am right now. Who I've become. I got mad when you wouldn't punch me, I hurt Jake and Corey, I've been lying to Ray, we have this big mystery about even being here that's literally impossible to comprehend or figure out, and my dumb ass is just caring too much. I care too much about people that are just going to leave me in the end. People that are just going to die or bail on me or use me. I need to just stop letting people in. It's fucking ruining me. This isn't who I am. I'm not someone that lets stupid things get to me. I'm someone that can figure things out.

"But I'm stuck somewhere where I can't do that. I can't be myself. And I hate that. I can't be happy in here, I can't be silly or joke around with you guys. I can't have stupid conversations and I can't show my love and I just... I hate it here. I hate what being here has done to me," I said. "I just want to be back in LA with the girls and everyone else and see the dogs and be in our room again and wake up in your arms every morning and enjoy life. I want to be able to do whatever without having to think about what big thing will happen if I make a mistake. I want to be carefree and let someone else deal with the stresses of being in charge, especially in a place as dark as this," I said.

I stared up at Colby. I'm not really sure what I expected him to say or do to that. I'm not even sure why I said it. I didn't even know that was how I felt until it all came spilling out of me.

He simply held my face in his hands and leaned down, then pressed his lips against my forehead.

"It's okay if you hate yourself sometimes. I can love you enough for the both of us until you remember who you are," he replied.