To Be Child of God [A Merome Story]

✧Chapter 10✧

My mother was teary eyed for the rest of the day, constantly brushing my hair from my face or just smiling at me as I went about my day. Faith was grinning too, watching me as we worked together, already talking about making my wedding dress and some of my new clothing for when I got married. Although the grooms family did everything for their son, the new house and the babies, the bride made her own wedding dress and some new outfits for after the union.

But that would have to wait. We only had a week until Gabriel's wedding and still had to decorate the room for the new couple. I was making the bedspread, Faith made the curtains. I knew Gabriel's favourite colour was green but was thinking more about Terah, instead making the duvet cover and accompanying blankets and pillow cases a light teal, tentatively patterned with black stitching to separate it. I just wanted it to look pretty for my brother and his new wife.

Faith and I, often accompanied by Joy, Hope and my mother, worked late into the night for that entire week. I didn't have any time to think about my engagement at all and only saw a few glimpses of Jerome throughout that time, sitting with his family during meal times. He gave me a smile when he saw me watching but nothing more.

Sunday morning dawned clear and crisp, frost covering the lawn. The night before I had spent several hours making a cake large enough for community- all seven hundred of us, remember- with the help of Susanna, Ruth, Abigail and Sarah. It was the first time I had been able to talk to them since the proposals.

"Charity!" Ruth cried, rushing forward to wrap me in a hug. "Oh it is so good to see you! You have been so busy this last week, how are you!?"

"I am fine." I said, smiling quietly. "How are you? I assume you are all now engaged?"

The four girls all nodded, steaming forward with their stories of the romantic proposals, the flowers they received and how happy they were to have been matched with the men they were hoping for. Sarah was engaged to Matthew, Susanna to Abel, Ruth to Joshua and Abigail to Noah. All were pleased with who the elders had chosen and were already talking of their dresses, rings and what colours they would like their rooms to be. The children they would have.

"I am glad for you." I said, trying not get involved in the conversation. "I am happy with the man the elders have chosen for me."

Sarah tilted her head, hands already busy preparing the cake batter. The main one would be tiered, vanilla and chocolate, and the rest would be a mixture. Whatever we had really. The same would be done on my wedding- only my wedding would be shared with my four friends. The only reason Gabriel and Terah weren't sharing a wedding day with others was because of the baby on the way. If you were engaged at the same time, you would be married on the same day too.

I kept my head down and focused on the cakes. Tomorrow, my brother would be married. In a few months, I would be too.

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The wedding was beautiful, a modest affair mostly community based. I found it was more about the Lord than the couple getting married which bothered me more than I felt it should, but I focused on the union taking place before me. Gabriel looked radiant. He looked so proud as he touched his wife for the first time, holding her hand through the prayers and vows.

Terah was smiling but she looked tired, one hand always on her stomach. There was no way to hide it anymore and her white dress seemed to cling to it- maybe she was trying to embrace it? Lord, I couldn't imagine the pain she had been through, the split she must have felt when she realised her husband was going to leave. She was strong enough to stay, to not walk into the world of eternal damnation, to raise her child. I was not.

Their first kiss was more of a peck and they both pulled away flushed and red. There was another long prayer session before the two were escorted out of the hall to their new bedroom. There they would consummate the marriage, whatever that meant, and they would then head off on a week long trip to the city. The one time any in our community left to the outside world was during that week, right after they got married.

I didn't even get to say goodbye to Gabriel. I knew I would see him in a week, but that didn't stop my heart from feeling heavy. The house felt... empty without him. Is that how my sister would feel when I left? She would have to take over the role I had played for so long when I got married, but maybe not for long. She would be married soon, too, maybe within the year.

Faith came to talk to me that night, once I had got my other siblings into bed.

"Charity?" She whispered, voice echoing in the quiet room. "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course." I said, patting the bed beside me. She sat down. "What's wrong?"

"Do you want to get married? Do you... really want to get married? You were so upset when they called out your name and you've been acting differently. I know you asked for an extra year." She blurted out, face flushed with embarrassment at the sudden torrent of words.

I had to ponder whether I answered truthfully, or at least half truthfully, for a few moments. Finally I just sighed and inclined my head.

"No. I don't... I didn't. I don't know. I know it's not for me, I don't want to be a wife or a mother but honestly... Jerome's the one man I don't mind. He's kind, he's genuine. I believe he and I will have a good life." Faith looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

"You've talked to him a lot, haven't you? Is that was those gestures were? You were meeting up?"

"Yeah. I don't see any point in trying to lie to you. Gabriel knew too, he gave us his blessing."

She gasped. "You're kidding! Gabriel, rule follower number one? He gave you his blessing after he knew you were breaking the rule!?"

"I know." I said with a smile. "I was just as surprised as you were. But he did. I'm so glad he did too. He likes Jerome, I think. He knows he's a good man."

We lapsed into silence for a bit before she ended the conversation quickly, climbing up to her bed.

"I'm glad you've found a man you love and who understands you, at least. I'm glad for you Charity."

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My conversation with Faith played on my mind for a few days but immediately after Gabriel's wedding, everything shifted to mine. There was no set date just yet but three days later my father was driving my mother and I into town to buy fabric for my wedding gown and, a scarier concept, to buy the ring I would supposedly wear for the rest of my life. All the girls who were married in our community had the same one, a simple gold band, plain and undecorated, but it needed to be sized to my finger.

The fabric was more interesting to me. It had to be plain as all our fabric was, but it was the one time in my life I would wear anything other than shades of blue, green or pink, or black if I was in mourning. I chose a creamy, thick fabric, something I had never worked with before but something I would enjoy. It was satiny, almost, shiny, and I couldn't stop touching it. My mother saw me, the way I held it, and smiled.

"I felt the same with my own wedding dress, Charity. I know you will take great care in making it. It is an honour to make the dress you will be seen in on the biggest day of your life." She said, caressing my cheek. "My first daughter to be married, the first to give me grandchildren. I know Terah's child will be said to be Gabriel's and will treat it as such, but my first real grandchild. You will be a good and gracious mother."

I let her brush and braid my hair that night. For once she didn't ask me to help with the children, she didn't ask me to clean or sew or continue my embroidery. The devil makes work for idle hands, as she so often said.

But that night, my hands were idle. I sat on the floor of the living room and closed my eyes as she hummed, hands in my hair. She had never felt like my mother before now, at least not in the way I felt a parent should be, but that night was different.

I cried as I tried to sleep. I was cracking. How was I supposed to leave?