To Be Child of God [A Merome Story]

✧Chapter 30✧

I really shouldn't have expected so much, so fast. It only led to let downs and setbacks when I expected myself to be further ahead than I was. I knew I shouldn't push myself, forcing myself to do things I wasn't comfortable with just so I could fit in better with this society I so often struggled to understand. But I did it for my daughter, who needed a mother to guide her.

Faith was a year old now. It seemed strange to say it out loud because it wasn't long ago that I was holding a newborn baby in my arms, thinking of the community I had only recently left behind. She had grown so much.

I had seen children grow up before, many, many time. My siblings, cousins, other young children. I had watched and helped as they grew into toddlers, and now it was happening to my own daughter. She was crawling but not quite walking, shuffling while holding onto furniture. She could stand for a few moment unassisted. I hadn't felt wonder like this before but watching her achieve these simple tasks made my heart soar.

Laughing, I held out my hands for Faith as she determinedly crawled towards me. She was going through a bit of a clingy faze, following me wherever I went and crying when I was out of the room. She had already worked out the best way to get my attention was to babble, imitating any words she could work out. I cried the first time she whispered 'dada'- the only discernible word she had said so far.

Preston also laughed from the kitchen when Faith plowed straight into me. I knew how difficult it was for him to see my daughter growing up under his roof, hitting all the milestones he missed for his son, but he had taken on the role of second father to Grace and Rob's three enthusiastically. He lived in their apartment more than he stayed in his own place if I was honest. I'm sure Rob and Grace greatly appreciated the help, especially since they now had three toddlers running around their feet and demanding attention.

As for Jerome and I, I thought we were doing alright. Our relationship was rocky at times but given the circumstances surrounding how we got together in the first place, it wasn't entirely surprising. It wasn't toxic, it never strayed into loud arguments, we just sometimes disagreed on some things. It was the shared love of our daughter that kept us going through the difficult times.

I was still going to therapy and there was talks about hormone replacement therapy and top surgery, both of which Lachlan had already gone through. He was my rock when it came to things like that, because he was able to explain everything I didn't understand. He and Vikk were still together and very happy about it.

The one thing I was most upset about was my inability to work. Jerome worked full time in the workshop alongside Rob and Preston, but I was unable to. My whole life revolved around my daughter and the families who had left the community alongside me. I couldn't go shopping, I couldn't even leave the house to take Faith to the local park. I felt I didn't fit in with this strange world.

Now that I didn't have a god to believe it, I didn't have a guide. All I had was Jerome and my daughter and others who had been in the situation as me, but that didn't stop the crushing feelings of fear and anger and loneliness I felt when I had a moment to myself.

Jerome seemed to have it better. We went months without knowing what happened to Liz as Lachlan hadn't had a hand in her leaving and no one knew where she had gone, at least not until she called us one evening. She had been staying with another family and had only just learned of her brother leaving. She certainly wasn't aware that she had a six month old niece. She had left only days before the news of my pregnancy had broken.

Liz was thrilled to know about Faith, and heartbroken at the loss of my sister. She hadn't received any news since she had left a year ago, and she came and went from our place often until now. Now Faith was one, and she was surrounded by family and friends, and I had a support system to rely on.

"Hey Mitch." Jerome leaned over the couch, pressing a kiss to my forehead. I smiled happily, reaching up to give him a hug. "Hey Faith. How were you guys today?"

"Good." I said easily. "Grace thinks she might start walking soon, so we've been watching out for that."

"Baby's growing up too fast." He smiled, laughing as our daughter crawled right into his arms. It had been difficult for him to miss so many of her major milestones while he had been working- her first smile, the first time she crawled, her first words. The first time she stood unassisted. But he worked to support the two of us because while it was a skilled position requiring years of training, the pay wasn't great. It was enough to support us, but only with a full time position.

"She is." I agreed easily.

A lot of things had changed. Not all of them were positive, but many of them were. While I didn't feel crushed by the religion and the community, the expectations they had for me, I did feel lost. For the first time in my life I had no plan for my future set out in front of me. No one told me what to do, how to act, what to where, how to look. Before, I knew what my world and life would look like for all of time. Now I had no idea. Now I had my daughter and husband to look after, the former who looked to me for guidance. Now it wasn't myself who I had to think about first.

But when I was completely honest, it had never been better. I was free. While it was terrifying, the fact I had the ability to make my own choices and decide where my life would lead without fearing eternal damnation was amazing in itself. Choice was freedom. My daughter would grow up without the pressure that I had felt, and that was all I cared about.

I was free. My daughter and husband were free. While I had left everything I had ever known behind, my family and siblings and nieces and nephews and friends, I could finally be my true self.

Charity was gone. So was Faith, but she was in a better place.

Now it was me, Mitch. I had my daughter and my husband. I had friends and substitute nieces and nephew.

I was no longer a child of god. I was simply me.