885 Days [A Vikklan/Sidemen/Pack Story]

Nineteen Days Home

11 September 2017

They had to insert the feeding tube in the end, as Lachlan simply wouldn't- or couldn't- eat. He hated it and very nearly ended up pulling it out, me barely managing to stop him by talking about how he wouldn't be able to go home without leaving it in. He did leave it in, but he playing with the tubing constantly, poking and pulling at it, giving the other machines attached to him weird and upset looks.

I talked to him about it a week after the tube was inserted, day nineteen since his return. He gave me simple, one word answers but from that I got that he still didn't want to be there, he wanted to go home, and all the stuff attached to him made him feel like he was going to be there longer. I managed to comfort him, but his train of thought was very correct. The more machines and lines they added, the longer he would have to stay. But he simply wouldn't eat. He slept for upwards of sixteen hours a day, curled in my arms, or stared out the window with a blank look.

That day, with Lachlan awake and more grounded than usual, we did another introduction to the others. I don't think he remembered the last time, other than the hug he had given Rob, and his reaction was much more open. He let Mitch slip his hand into his and his eyes flickered between the four other boys as they talked. I had kept myself occupied when he was awake by talking to him about what I and the Sidemen had been doing over the last couple of years and now, the boys were telling him about what they had been doing. They only stopped when his head nodded onto his chest and his eyes flickered closed, sleeping taking over.

The five of us sat, watching Lachlan as he slept, in silence. The doctor had relaxed his rules on the number of us allowed in the room because of the severity of the case. None of us could think of anything to say, not now, and everyone was so exhausted that we all wanted to sleep as well.

I shared a glance with Rob as Lachlan moved beside me, head shifting on my chest. He sighed deeply, burying his head in his hands. Everyone was only kind of coping and Rob and I were no different, if I was totally honest I really wasn't sure if I was coping at all. I was only strong because Lachlan needed me to be strong and if he wasn't, I would have long collapsed under the pressure.

I pressed a light kiss to Lachlan's forehead, managing to close my eyes. I really looked forward to the day he did come home, but I honestly didn't know what that day would look like.

-----------------------------------------------

I almost cried when he finally started eating. It was only a few mouthfuls and he looked very green afterwards, but it was a start. Lachlan seemed proud of himself. The doctor, however, took that as an indication that Lachlan was ready to start moving and gaining back muscle so he could begin walking again, but Lachlan didn't want to.

"I dunno." He whispered to me, watching as the doctor left the room. "I've only just started eating I- I don't know if I'm gonna be up to walking. I want to go slow. Everything's confusing and scary and I think my brain's still catching up. I'm- I'm partially still there."

He confessed that with a terrified look, eyes glazing over again. His fingers shook, face pale and pinched. I squeezed his hand tightly. But he continued, spilling everything that he had been keeping in since he had woken up.

"I don't want to be here, there's people and stranger everywhere I wanna go home. I wanna feel safe again. I don't feel safe. I'm still there but I'm here and you're the only thing making me feel safe. Everyone else sounds like him."

His breathing stuttered and he clenched his fists. Very quickly I leaned over and placed a stim toy, a stress ball, in his hands and he proceeded to squash it with all of his strength, which honestly wasn't much. He had begun to clung to things like this in order to keep himself calm and although it was better than a death grip on me, it still pained me to him to distressed and upset and unable to calm himself. It did keep him grounded, but I still hated it.

"I know Lachy." I whispered. "I know you're scared, I know you want to go home. I want to go home too. But until you're healthy enough, we can't leave. I promise I'll never leave you alone, you know that, right?" He nodded. "I'll always be here for you, I'll help you whenever you need."

"I know." He breathed, turning his head to look out of the window. "But it doesn't stop me from being scared."

-----------------------------------------------

The medications were being ramped up, pill after pill after pill to either keep him going or to allow him to sleep. Many of them were vitamin medications to provide what he had missed out on for so long, but many more were ones to help him sleep. He was able to sleep, but woke so often with horrific nightmares that they had to given him something. He was, in essence, sedated each night.

But that only upset him more because once again, it seemed like they were trying to keep him longer. He tried to refuse them, he tried to get me to talk to them, but he still had to take them as the doctor kept telling him that if he didn't, he wouldn't be able to go home. I tried to distract him, showing him the videos I and the others had made over the last few years, when he asked me something-

"Do they know I've... I'm here?" He asked, quietly. I nodded.

"Yes. Someone- someone leaked it five days after you were found. The media's been swarming the nurses and doctors, but we haven't released anything other than a tweet to confirm it. We don't want to deal with it and we don't want you to have to deal with it either." Jerome nodded beside me, agreeing with my statement. He was the only other one there at that moment. "We wanted to focus on you, not them."

He leaned his head against my shoulder, eyes following my phone. He was sliding in and out again, slipping back into that space the doctor talked about, and there was nothing I could do about it. He was asleep not long after. I turned to Jerome.

"I don't know." I whispered. "The doctor said I'd never see Lachlan again, the Lachlan I knew two years ago, but I am seeing some of him. I see... little bits of him, but they're faded. He's scared, he's vulnerable, he doesn't want to be here. I want to bring him home." My breathing stuttered as I verged on tears, looking down at the younger boy in my arms. "He's been home for nineteen days and I already feel like my whole world's been turned upside-down. I'm scared too and God, I just want to do everything to make sure he's okay."

"I know." Jerome said, sliding off his bed to kneel beside ours. "I know you're scared, we all are. We're gonna do our best to make sure that he's okay and you're okay and we're all okay. One day, it's gonna be fine. Maybe not right now, certainly not soon, but it will be one day."

I managed to smile, my eyes slipping.

"Promise?" I said, in a pitiful whisper.

"I promise Vikky. One day, everything'll be alright."