𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 ━ 𝐣𝐣 𝐨𝐛𝐱

part eighteen

hannah's pov

i silently thanked god for finally allowing the broken boy in my arms to fall asleep.

it was morning now, and he was still sleeping. i don't think i had slept for a minute, however.

i wasn't able to get the picture out of my mind of the blonde's pained face showing up at my doorstep in the middle of the night.

i couldn't get rid of the feeling of him shaking in my arms, or erase the sounds of his soft whimpers as i held him on my bed and ran my hand through his hair.

i didn't know why he had come to my house that night, me out of all people. but i was glad that he did.

i knew he didn't mean the words he had said to me earlier that day. it was only out of built up emotions and anger, that was evident in his cries.

suddenly i felt the boy shift in his sleep, i kept my eyes closed wandering how he was going to react. i hadn't really prepared myself or even thought about how things would be when he woke up.

he sat up so fast it was like he had been struck my lighting. i immediately released my hold around his waist and sat up as well.

"fuck," he breathed out, staring at me with wide eyes before darting his eyes around to every corner of the room. "fuck, fuck fuck."

"jj-"

"hannah i-," he stammered. i could see his chest start to rise and fall quickly and i instantly worried he would start to panic again.

"jj," i said softly

"fuck," he blurted again. that's when i grabbed both sides of his face so he would focus on me instead of his surroundings.

"hey, hey," i cooed, "its okay, you're okay. breathe."

i held his face until he took a deep breath and then i let my hands drop to my sides. he put his head into his hands, sighing loudly. he didn't say anything for a while, i figured he wouldn't so i just allowed him to regain his thoughts as we sat in silence.

"i'm sorry," he whispered after a while.

"jj it's okay," i tried to convince him.

"i'm so sorry," he breathed, not taking his head out of his hands. i looked at him with sadness. he was so broken, you could see that just from looking at him. he put on a mask everyday, i came to realize last night when he had practically shattered in front of me, his mask shattering with it all.

"i'll be right back," i said quietly before getting up and walking into the bathroom. i brushed my teeth and splashed water on my face, then i set out some things for jj.

when i walked back out to my room jj was still sitting in the same position.

"i laid out a towel in the bathroom for you if you wanted to shower," i said softly. he looked up at me then, finally taking his head out of his hands. i could see the worry etched onto his features. "really it's fine," i assured him.

i then slipped out of the room and closed the door behind me. i smiled to myself when i heard the water start running upstairs.

i poured myself a glass of water and sat at the island, still not sure what would happen when he came down.

"hey can we talk," a voice suddenly said from behind me, startling me. i turned to face the blonde, nodding my head as my eyes met his.

i led us out to the patio and we both sat on the couch. i pulled my knees up onto the cushion and rested my head back. the silence persisted as i waited for him to collect his thoughts.

"i didn't mean anything i said yesterday," he started.

"they why did you say it?" i questioned softly. i didn't mean it rudely, i just wanted to know what was going through his mind. although i had come up with my own conclusions earlier, i really wanted to know how he was feeling and for it to be put into his own words.

"i-i hated you in the beginning because you were a kook, you know, the stereotypical bullshit of pogues hating kooks," he sighed before he continued. "but then i started to hate you because i realized someone new in my life would mean that i would have to relive my past, having to explain it to them and all."

he glanced up at me and i nodded my head, gesturing for him to keep going.

"i kept trying to deny the fact that you were a nice person, and i just kept burying the thought of wanting to being friends with you," he confessed.

"and no matter how mean to you i tried to be its like..." he paused, "its like you always saw right through me, like you understand me or some shit." he took a deep breathe, "god i sound like a girl."

i chuckled softly, "not at all."

"john b," he began, "he was my only family, besides ki and pope, and having to introduce him to someone as a missing person and not the john b i knew.. it was just really shitty.

"i just kind of let all that out on you yesterday without expressing it right, ya know?" he said. "and i feel really bad about it, i'm so sorry."

"i forgive you," i whispered with small smile.

"i wanted to apologize last night; that was the reason i came here," he explained. "i kind of came here unconsciously, it's like my body brought me to your door before my mind could even think and then all of a sudden i was waking up in your bed."

he sighed before continuing, "why did you let me come in?"

"its like you said," i began, "i guess i've kind of just always seen right through you. i knew you didn't mean those words and more importantly i knew you were dealing with a lot."

he looked up at me, "how are you such a good person all of the time?"

"i'm not," i said softly.

"hannah can i ask you something?" he said after a few moments of silence and i nodded my head.

"why did you move here?" he asked. my breath hitched at his question. he had just shared so many things with me, so many things that he might have never shared with anyone else.

i racked my brain for an answer to his question.

"about a week before i came here, to the outer banks, i threw a party" i started. "a really big one, and i got super wasted and the cops busted it.

"my dad works in foster care, on cases and shit, so he like has to be trusted with kids and obviously his only daughter throwing a party was not the best thing for his image.

"he was the angriest i've ever seen him and so for 'disciplinary purposes' he decided to send me here for the summer to live with my aunt," i explained.

"that's- that's why i moved here," i breathed. "i was so set on not telling anyone here because i'd been so embarrassed and just wanted to forget about it. that's why i never said anything before."

a few seconds passed before jj finally said something, "thank you for telling me."

it was then that i noticed how close our faces were, and even more importantly that he was looking at my lips. i shifted my head on the cushion so that i was slightly closer to him.

"hannah!!!" i heard someone shout from inside the house and i immediately shot up from the couch.

"shit," i said.

"what? who is that?" jj asked.

"my aunt," i said, concern evident in my voice, "fuck she's like never home."

i grabbed jj's arm and pulled him off the couch, leading him quickly to the stairs that led off of the porch and into the yard.

"she can't see you," i signified, "i, uh, i'll meet you at the wreck later, i have a shift."

he nodded his head before walking off quickly to his van and pulling out of the driveway.

as i headed back to the house to greet my aunt i didn't know what i should be more concerned about, the fact that i think we were just about to kiss or the fact that i had just lied to him about the reason i'd moved here.