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Review by Sunshine: A Heart of Snow

Title: A Heart of Snow

Author: avadel

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 5/5

It's not every day that someone perfectly introduces the character, conflict and stakes in two sentences, but hey, here we are. While it's not a traditional summary that fleshes out every detail, I'm very happy with this – after all, it is for a short story, and it is written in an impactful and purposeful manner. I think the little "The crown was always hers" is a fantastic hook, and I think that including the fact that it's a Snow White retelling is a good choice, too.

In other words, I'm very excited to read this! I can't wait to question who the real victim is.

Wait! Also! I never talk about covers, but my gosh, the cover of this story is absolutely gorgeous. I'm guessing you made it yourself, considering you're a ball of talent? If so, it's stunning. Wow. 

Grammar: 4/5

You know your grammar. I know you know your grammar. But there were just a few moments that didn't quite sit right with me. Let's go through them real quick, and then we'll get into the juicy stuff:

"...our poor country's going to go bankrupt buying you practice dummy's."

It should be 'dummies' since we're not using the possessive form, nor are we using a contraction.

"Why," a fire lit in his eyes, "for you, we'd gather up and go..."

I actually looked this one up to double-check. Generally, it's standard to use em-dashes instead of the comma. So, it should look like:

"Why"—a fire lit in his eyes—"for you, we'd gather up and go..."

I know a lot of people don't like using the dashes. But, generally, it's standard. Just thought I'd let you know!

"He's here, your Majesty."

The full title is 'Your Majesty.' So, both 'your' and 'majesty' need to be capitalised.

He grabbed the bars desperately, and I step forward, my hands coming to cover his.

Your whole story is in past tense, but you accidentally swapped to present tense for the 'step' forward. Consider changing it to stepped? 

Characterisation: 5/5

You asked me to talk about character relatability and development. And, I have to say, A'snowlyne is ambitious as hell. It starts off pretty innocent; we just see her stabbing at dummies, wanting the throne she was promised, having a pretty sweet moment with Reth. We can see her adamance right from the start, but even the reader doesn't quite know how far she's willing to go for it.

Until, of course, she really goes for it. I was screaming internally when she actually got Reth executed. Obviously, in that moment, I just wanted to reach into the pages and give her a good girl-to-girl chat. And slap her.

But still, she's not completely antagonistic, and she shows this. She cries before her coronation, and the way she describes her emotions and feelings throughout that entire scene felt very raw and real and open, even if we know she's lying to others through her dialogue. I really like what you've done there; we can see her façade to other characters, but it's like there are open lines between us and A'snowlyne. Seeing her not want to cry because she claims to not deserve it was fantastic. Yes, she's ambitious. Yes, she's selfish. But she's human about it – she feels three-dimensional and complex.