Embrace the Suck (Bad, #1)

Chapter Twenty-Six

Tears were profusely rolling down my cheeks. My eyesight was blurry but that didn't stop me from walking. Dere-deretso lang ang lakad ko papunta sa villa ko. I clumsily wiped away the tears but it was useless because it kept on being replaced with new ones.

Huminto lang ako sa paglalakad nang nasa paanan na ako ng kama. Lumakas ang pagbagsak ng mga luha ko at may hikbi na kumawala sa akin. My heart felt like it was being pounded into pieces of unrecognizable dusts. Ang sakit.

I covered my face. My shoulders were shaking as I sobbed. I sounded like someone just died.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang una kong iisipin at mararamdaman. Do I need to get mad first? Get mad at Bianca for the advances that she'd been doing to Saint from day one? And get mad at Saint for caving in to Bianca's seduction? Did he even really do it?

His lack of reaction makes me feel like he did. Kahit na sino na maabutan ang ganoong ayos ay isa lang ang maiisip. Hindi man lang siya nag-abalang itanggi ang nakita ko. He just stared at me with indifference, like he didn't care that he hurt me.

What am I going to do now? Are we going to break up? Am I going to break up with him? Is he going to break up with me? Did he choose Bianca now? Paano na ako?

If he still chooses to stay with me even after what happened with him and Bianca, am I still going to accept him? Lalo akong naiyak dahil alam ko ang sagot. I knew I was still going to accept him. I was never a prideful person. All my life, all I wanted is to have someone to love me—or at least make me feel like I'm loved.

Ngayon pa lang ay naririnig ko na ang sermon ni Nina sa akin dahil sa mga iniisip ko. She'll say that I need to love myself more. Sasabihin niya sa akin na dapat kong unahin ang sarili ko bago ang iba. That I should love someone who can reciprocate the amount of love I'm giving.

Ang dali-daling isipin ng mga bagay na 'yan pero ang hirap gawin. Lalo na sa katulad ko na nasanay na laging nanglilimos ng atensyon at pagmamahal. Gusto ko lang naman na mahalin din ako... pero bakit ang hirap?

Am I doing something wrong? Kulang ba yung mga ipinapakita ko sa kanila? Bakit na kahit sobra-sobra ang pagmamahal na ibinibigay ko, bakit hindi pa rin nila ako magawang mahalin? May mali ba sa akin? Ano pa ang kulang sa akin? May kailangan ba akong baguhin?

My door opened, halting my loud wails. I inhaled sharply and quickly wiped my cheeks. I forgot to lock the door. Nang umayos na ay hinarap ko na ang pinto para makita kung sino ang pumasok.

It was Saint with his clamped jaw and unimpassioned expression. Seeing him triggered my tears that I had to bite my lip to restrain myself. Pinanuod ko siyang maglakad hanggang nasa harapan ko na siya.

Fear settled in me next. What if he's here to break up with me? Paano kung sabihin niya sa akin na ayaw niya na at si Bianca na ang gusto niya? I weakened at the thought. I can't lose him. I'm not ready for that. I don't think I can take it.

"Saint," my voice sounded feeble. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have seen that. D-Dapat tumawag muna ako sa 'yo bago pumunta sa room mo. I-I'm sorry."

His jaw relaxed. Disbelief etched on his face. His lips slightly parted. "Sorry?"

My heart tightened. Pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod ako ngayon sa takot.

"I-I'm very sorry. I'll forget what I saw. I'll pretend that it didn't happen. I'm sorry," my voice broke. Nanlalabo na naman ang mga mata pero nagawa ko pa rin pigilan ang pag-iyak. My chest is starting to hurt more dahil sa pagpigil ko sa pag-iyak.

"You're sorry," he deadpanned. "Your sorry for seeing me and Bianca alone in my room, wearing nothing but towel and a robe? Hindi ka galit?"

I bit my lip but it wasn't effective anymore. The images from earlier's scene poke something inside me and the tears came falling down again. I breathed in and wiped my cheeks. Patay malisya sa pag-iyak. "I-It's okay." Tumango ako. "It's okay. I swear. Okay lang sa akin."