Cinders [Completed]

Chapter 51: Lost

Jonah comes home alone.

"Goddess, Lee," he says, taking me in.

"I'm fine."

"Lee."

I think of my most recent nightmare. I think they're starving him, now. He feels so empty.

"I'm fine."

Jonah shifts on his feet.

"Lucy is doing really well," he tells me, "No infections or anything."

Lucy didn't sound so good when I talked to her on the phone. I'm grateful that Jonah is lying to me.

"When can she come home?"

He sighs. "Soon, we think."

"You should have stayed."

"She told me to come. You need someone here with you. Goddess, Lee, when did you last sleep?"

I sway on my feet. "Thanks for being here," I finally rasp out, leaning on him for support.

For a moment, we stand in silence. The ringing that is nearly constant in my ears swells in and out of my awareness. I'm thinking about the practice range, and all of the work I have to do, still. So much to do. So much to plan for, in this pretend hope that there will ever be someone to fight. We can't even find the right target.

It's hopeless.

"What can I do to help?"

"How's Mom?" I ask, tired, "Is Lucy going to be alright with her?"

Jonah tells me that Mom has been better than he's ever seen her. She's taking perfect care of Lucy - not leaving her side, just like she promised. Things seem to be warmer between the two of them. I hope, for her own sake, Lucy will be able to forgive Mom. It feels so heavy, that anger in your chest.

All at once, the mark on my neck burns and I have to stifle a cry of pain.

"Lee?"

"I just need a second," I say through the tears, "It will pass in just a second."

I don't know if this is true. Sometimes it lasts for hours. I'm so relieved I'm not asleep - if I were, I would see it, too.

There's this burning in his wrists that doesn't go away. Nokomis and Alaric say it's from the chains I saw on his hands. They put something on the chains, poisonous and biting. I don't really acknowledge the feeling of that, any more

Today, it's a sharp and stabbing pain next to my heart.

It means he's alive, I tell myself. He's alive. This is good. The pain means he's alive. You have to be hurting to know this.

"What's happening?" Jonah asks the guards.

After 20 more seconds, the pain begins to dull. It's no longer blinding. I'm able to put a hand on Jonah's shoulder.

"I'm okay," I tell him. I'm always so much more exhausted, after an episode. "You should go unpack. I'll see you later."

I wish I was with Orion. At first, I just wanted him to be with me, no longer being hurt. But as time went on, I just - would rather be with him. I'd rather be there, hurting with him, than have him hurting alone.

I miss him. It wittles down to this statement. I miss him so much that it hurts along with the pain; a double dose.

"That's the thing - I already have," Jonah says, his hand going into his pocket, "I had something I wanted to give to you."