Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sky: Darkling Academy

Title: Darkling Academy

Author: Alana2215

Reviewer: tripping_on_skies

Cover: 

You have a well-designed cover! It's beautiful and draws the reader's attention to your book. I like the contrast between the girl and the black backdrop with the window.

Blurb:

Very interesting blurb! I would definitely click read. You have all the important information needed. Good job here!

Prologue: 

Good opening hook. It should be: my vision blurs with salty tears, and not salted tears. I'm loving the rhetorical questions the girl is asking, it's making me as a reader think as well. "Groaning, I push myself away from the wall that created the radiating pain bursting through my shoulder as another image flashes through my muddled mind." This is a slight run-on sentence and it also sounds a little clumsy. I would phrase this better. For example: "Groaning, I push myself away from the wall, creating a radiating pain that bursts through my shoulder as another image flashes through my muddled mind." I don't quite understand why and how those two actions relate to one another, (the image and the pain) and if they don't, maybe you could phrase it such that it becomes two sentences. Again, it should be salty tears. Your descriptions are wonderful so far. "A dull yellowish light burst throughout the room as I recognise where I am." should be "A dull yellowish light bursts throughout the room. I recognise where I am." (Another run-on sentence.)

This was a wonderful prologue! Your descriptions are very vivid. you have successfully brought the story alive in my eyes. Your descriptions are certainly your strong point, and you have managed to convey the fear and the uncertainty the persona feels, through her shock, and the many questions she asks herself.

Chapter One: 

Another great start! I especially love the line: Or maybe I'm darkness itself. The sentence: "An area meant only for death, I guess." would sound better to the reader if you added "It is" in front.

The sentence: "Probably should have done that more gently, especially since I'm not meant to be down here." is a slightly fragmented one. Maybe you should add an "I" in front. I have to say, your descriptions are wonderful. The actions and the words used to describe the actions when

Hannah scared the persona was on point. I like the portrayal of Hannah's hair, and how you made it purple. The reader will then associate Hannah with purple because as a description, it really stands out. When Hannah was talking about Jason, I really felt the intense pain she was going through. To me, originally, she appeared to be confident. For example, when she raised her eyebrow at our MC and replied sassily, it gave me the impression that she is very poised. However, when the subject of Jason was brought up, the change was sad but also beautiful. The shift occurred, (if I'm not wrong) when she looked at Jason's photo. You allowed me to look past her confidence, and into what she was really feeling, which is spectacular.

The sentence: "Her voice I shed tears threaten to fall as she focuses back on me." doesn't make sense at all. I've been trying to decipher it, but I am unsure what you meant to say.

The sentence: "It was just after midnight when she said." should be: "It was just after midnight when she said:" and continue on with the dialogue.

The little snippet we got of Maria Novikov was very interesting. The sentence: "someone who is a suspect in Jason's case." should be "She is a suspect in Jason's case."

OVERALL: 

I noticed that you use many adverbs. Adverbs are good to use in certain situations, but not in every other sentence. I would recommend removing it. For example, instead of "Swiftly, I pull the plastic bag over the shoulder pad" you could say "I pulled the plastic bag over the shoulder pad in a hurry" or "I pulled the plastic bag over the shoulder pad in one swift motion." You could even totally eliminate the adverb from your sentence!

Another thing I noted down was that you tend to write long sentences a lot. I suggest changing the sentence length so that the music sings. In terms of sentence structure, you're doing great!

Your descriptions are excellent, but just note that too much description/description with repeated words could get boring, very fast. You should try to mix up the adjectives and the expressions used a little. (eg salty tears as a description is used many times in these two chapters.)

The interaction between or MC and Hannah was wonderful!! It was natural and pleasant to read. The plot development so far has been going at just right pace. Although, when the MC shared that she had the ability to feel strong emotion when she touched certain things, it felt a little awkward and sudden to me. In your second draft, you could make that part a bit smoother, or give that information to the readers a bit later.

Overall, it was an enjoyable read! I hope this was helpful.