high school sweethearts | cranksepticeye

4 - stream

i was sat at my computer watching his live stream like I had been doing for hours now. it was weird - no, sad - how much I was obsessing over him. I was acting like some desperate fan trying to get my idol to notice me. really I just missed my first ever and only boyfriend.

i couldn't understand why I was refusing to move on. it had been 8 years since we ended our relationship but it still played on my mind. we were only together for two years, not even that; we dated for a year and nine months. but I still couldn't let go. every guy I had gone out on a date with since then I had always subconsciously compared to him. none of them were like him. nobody would ever be like sean.

he'd clearly moved on. maybe he didn't even care in the first place. perhaps he didn't love me like he said he did. he had a girlfriend now and he seemed really happy with her, more happy than he was with me. it pained me that they had what me and him used to have. I didn't ever want him to have that with anybody else.

oddly enough I was the one who broke up with him, not the other way around. I thought it would be best if we weren't together for the time being because there was so much distance between us and it was difficult to maintain a healthy relationship. the college he got accepted into was in a completely different state! I told him we could take a break and then talk again once college was done. he agreed, saying it was the right thing to do. but college finished for the both of us, and even though I waited days, months, even years, I never got a text or a call from him. he cut me off completely.

now i wished I hadn't thought of that plan in the first place. maybe then we would still be together, or at least have some sort of a relationship. now i'd lost him completely and I knew I would never get him back. only in my dreams or in some alternate universe.

the stream he was doing was a charity one and I was feeling generous. I decided to donate $25 for the cause. I listened to his voice as he read out the names of people who had donated money. 

"abi, thank you for the $5. michael, thank you so much for the $100! that's amazing! hmm...crankgameplays, thank you for the $25. cool username by the way." I stared in disbelief. I wasn't expecting him to read out my donation or to compliment my user. did he even know who i was? probably not. but it was still kind of heart warming. it was the most attention i'd gotten from him since we parted ways. and he probably had no idea who he was giving it to.

i looked at the chat. all of the comments were passing by so quickly. if I said something stupid he probably wouldn't notice. he'd barely read the chat all throughout the stream anyway. I dragged my keyboard towards me slightly and clicked on the chat bar. I took deep breaths as I typed what i wanted to say.

'hey. it's ethan, from high school. do you remember me?' 

i leaned back and waited to see if i would get a reply. i didn't. i couldn't tell whether i was happy about that or not. other people in the chat saw my comment and replied to it, either asking me tons of questions on what high school was like with sean, or just telling me i was a liar. but he didn't notice it. i didn't really expect him to. but a small part of me prayed that he would. maybe then he would actually appreciate that i exist.