The Elites

Chapter 114

Kora

I let out a shaky breath, grabbing the paper I was drawing into and pulling it off my notepad. I folded it into a ball and threw it behind me just like I did everyone else.

I was a mess.

It was really hard concentrating on anything anymore. My mind was in shambles and it felt like my soul was too. Drawing my designs were the only thing that kept my mind focused but the past days had felt like I was really bad at it. I wasn't getting anything right. I was frustrated and sick to my mind. I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget about everything. I promised to forget about everything that had happened. About my past, about him, Jeremiah but each time I closed my eyes, each time I did as much as breathe, I saw his face, drawn in my memory. I could remember everything that happened over and over and over again. The really harsh words I had said to him and the really harsh words his father had said to me and my mum. I could remember just how much I loved him and missed him and it drove me insane. The thought that I couldn't be with him, that I was fighting every fiber of my being to restrain myself from picking up my phone and calling him, from running to him hurt me a lot more than anything else. I needed a distraction and drawing a few cloth designs in my really big drawing book wasn't helping as much as I thought it would. I was holding on tightly to my pencil without even realizing it and before I knew it, my pencil broke again and that was the height of it.

That was all I needed to bring all my emotions and frustrations back into my head. That was all I needed to lose my mind. I pushed everything on my table with one swipe of the hand and they all came crashing down. My phone, my laptop, my books, my crayons and my pens. Everything! I started to cry again. It was like the hundredth time in three days. I had promised myself that I was done crying but I wasn't. I couldn't help myself anymore, I couldn't hold it in anymore. All that bottled up hurt and anger, slowly crawling up and out of me. I buried my head into my hands, and started to cry as hard as I could in them. I was tired, tired of being strong, tired of resisting and acting like I was okay. I was not okay, I was far from being okay and it didn't matter how many outfits I drew or how many books I read, nothing changed. The pain and hurt wouldn't go away. I was hurt.

My door opened immediately and my mother rushed in. I didn't need to turn to know it was her. With the way she gasped and with the way I heard how she was taking her time, one step at a time to get to me, I could tell she was really surprised. She should have seen it coming. I had tried to act like I was okay for so long, I just couldn't anymore.

"Kora," she hurried to me and reached for my shoulder, whirling me around to face her.

"Mum," I had tears all over my face.

"Baby," she squatted right in front of me, holding both my arms.

"Mum, make it stop." My voice was breaking and I wouldn't stop crying. My heart was heavy and broken. It was like I couldn't breathe. I placed a hand on my chest, hitting it hard so I could let air through. "Mum make it stop please."

"Kora," my mum's eyes became wet too. I could see she was just as heartbroken as I was "Oh my baby." She was crying too. I could see the teardrops that fell from her eyes.

"I can't take it, I can't take it anymore Mum. I want it to end, Mum please, make it stop."

She pulled me into her embrace quickly and started to rub my back gently.

"Oh my sweet baby."

"Mummy," I cried louder. I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't getting better. I wasn't getting better. None of what was happening to me was okay. Why did any of it have to happen? Why did I always have to be the one to lose everything? Why was it okay that I never got what I wanted? That I had to be the one to suffer all the time? Why did I have to always get my heart broken all the time? None of it felt right. It didn't feel right at all. I was tired. I was tired of it. I just wanted it all to end. I just wanted to live and be happy again, why couldn't I do that? Why did it have to be so hard?