Boy Next Door ✔

chapter forty-one

C A L E B 

That night, I stayed up once again. I don't even know why I bother saying that anymore, because it really goes without saying - there hadn't been a single night where I had slept peacefully since I'd moved into this place, if you leave out the times where Mateo and I had practically cuddled on my bed. 

I facepalmed when the image of that memory came flooding back into my mind. Stop it, stupid self-torturing mind. Stop thinking about him. Stop.

I assumed that he was probably sleeping away like a little baby at that moment. I was aware of the fact - more so, my assumption - that he wouldn't be up at that very moment, staring at his ceiling, thinking about everything that had gone wrong between us - just like I was doing.. or had been doing for the past hour or so.

I tossed and turned on my bed, letting out a few groans signifying my discomfort here and there. Why couldn't I fall asleep? Why was he still on my mind? I thought he had made it clear back in the elevator that he didn't want anything to do with me, then why was I still so hung up on him? Should I just let time fix everything or should I attempt to fix everything by myself again and risk fucking things up even more?

I grabbed a nearby pillow and screamed into it as loud as I could - but don't worry, nobody heard me. They could never, because of the fucking music. That asshole had the audacity to jam to his playlist after that unwelcoming encounter in the elevator? Okay, I'll admit - a majority of, if not the entire situation, was my fault. I should have just taken the stairs, but like a stupid little bitch I had to follow him into the elevator. 

But to be honest, I didn't regret it - because after so long, I got him to talk to me, to look at me, even though it hadn't gone like how I had expected it to.

I didn't know why I still had feelings for him. I didn't know why my heart still raced at the thought of him. What was so special about him that I found it so difficult to let go of him? I wonder if he ever thought of me that way, too. But he probably didn't - he wouldn't, right? 

Now that I think about it, did I disgust him? Was he disgusted by me because I didn't push him away that day? Did he think I was some sort of lovesick leech? Oh my God, did he know that I was into him? Was he playing with my feelings the entire time?

I let out another scream, wishing someone would just send the guillotine for my stupid mind. Following that, I quickly sat up on my bed, breathing heavily. I know what I needed. A walk, that was what I needed - and hopefully, this time I wouldn't bump into Mateo. It was impossible for me to bump into him again, right? This isn't some sort of cheesy romantic movie, this is reality. 

I let out a soft chuckle to myself while making my way out of my apartment, not bothering to grab a jacket to protect myself from the biting cold so I could subject myself to further torture. I found it funny how a couple years prior to this very moment, I thought that cheesy rom-coms were the worst thing I had ever seen, I thought they were overdone and unrealistic. But in all honesty, right now there was nothing more I wanted than to have my life change into one of those rom-coms I'd previously despised. Because after everything that had happened, I was led to the realization of just how bad reality was. 

In this world, you can go through all the difficulties there are. You can be beat up by life over and over and over again. You'll have people nagging at you to better yourself just for others - and you'll have to pretend for the majority of your lives. What was the point in all that? When did things even come to this? 

God, how I wish there was an escape button from reality - or even a pause button, because right now I needed a break.

I strolled through the dark and empty streets, shivering with all these random thoughts swarming through my mind. I wish reality would turn out to be just some sick video game - and I wish this twisted video game would come to an end soon. 

Or if it's some sick, one-sided romance movie where a hopeless college student spends his days pining for the boy next door, I wish it would come to an end too. I don't care what kind of ending, happy or sad. I just want it all to end.

I felt my heart throb in my chest again as these thoughts continued to swallow my mind whole, turning it into a dark-cloudy space of nothing but negativity, which was really no surprise - because how could I stay positive after all that had happened? Was the problem with the people around me or was there something wrong with me?

How badly had I fucked up in my previous life to have to face all these difficulties now?

If all of this had happened a few months ago, you would have found me jotting all my problems down on my journal. But right now, I'd even lost all interest in doing that. So you could guess just how fucked up I was. 

I found myself chuckling at that thought, too. I was aware that so many people around the world had it way, way worse than me - and I know that's not an excuse to degrade my problem, because the problem I was facing was difficult too. But was it really worth tearing myself down over? What was I doing wasting my days stressing over a boy as if I was still some high-school kid?

And yes, love knows no limits. I'd heard it all - love knows no boundaries, love knows no limits, love knows no gender. But after all that I had been through, I had been forced to come to a final conclusion all by myself;

Love knows no mercy.