Josh's P.O.V.
I fiddled with the strap of my binder as I hunched my shoulders, lowering my head. I honestly wanted to disappear into a hole in the ground right at that moment because of my dysphoria. Everything was too tight, I felt like everyone could see my chest and I just felt so insecure. I didn't want to be on camera, I didn't want to be filming and I certainly didn't want to be doing an all day shoot. Which we were only just beginning.
I was pretty sure the other boys had detected that I wasn't really up to it because JJ flat out refused to consider recording the two second channel videos we needed to do, saying we could do them another day, and Vikk ended up sitting beside me with his head resting on my back. He didn't talk to me, he just scrolled through his phone and blessed me with his quiet presence while the other boys tried to sort everything out.
"Hey?" Tobi asked, squeezing my shoulder. "You alright? You up for recording? You don't look like you're feeling too good." Vikk turned to me, curious as well.
"I- I think I'm alright." I mumbled. "Just dysphoric."
"Hey, hey, you know we said you didn't need to film if you weren't feeling well. We said again and again that you could cancel a recording session if you needed to. No matter if it's been set up for ages."
"I know." I mumbled. "But I'm fine."
"No, no you're not." Harry said. "You don't look fine, you look like shit Josh. We all know you don't want to record."
"Yeah." Ethan jumped in. "Come on Josh, just say if you don't want to."
My lip trembled. I really didn't want to but I physically didn't know if I could admit it because of how much planning had gone into this session. We had rented out a whole stadium for the afternoon to film it, it was expensive and we had been talking about it for months. I didn't want to ruin it- and then JJ interrupted me.
"Stop it, I can hear you thinking from over here. You aren't ruining anything, it doesn't matter how long we've been planning. Come on. Let's go home."
"But-"
"Nope, stop." Simon said, rolling his eyes at me with a grin. "We're going home. Screw this recording, I don't particularly want to do it either, let's go!"
The other boys managed to laugh and Vikk nudged up against me, a small smile playing on his face.
"Come on Josh." He whispered. "Let's go home."
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I don't know quite how we all ended up like this, but after some time to being home all seven of us ended up curled together on me, with me squashed right in the middle. They had forced me to take my binder off, knowing how dangerous it was for me to sleep in it, and I had ended up in just a t-shirt and boxers with a blanket tucked around me.
Harry was curled in my chest with Vikk on the other side of me, the other boys surrounding us from all sides. I think it was Simon's hand in my hair, JJ's on my back and either Tobi or Ethan were lying above my head, I honestly couldn't tell who it was. I yawned. Someone giggled, squirming.
"Who's giggling?" Simon croaked, attempting to turn and elbow them. Harry proceeded to giggle again, yelping when Simon's elbow did indeed connect with the younger boys shoulder. It was all in good fun and both boys only burst into laughter.
I managed a flicker of a smile before it faded it again, waves of dysphoria overwhelming me. I couldn't help the whimper the slipped between my lips as I pushed my head down against Harry's and Vikk tightened his grip around my stomach and waist- they all knew to avoid my chest, especially when I wasn't wearing a binder.
It was Tobi, who must have been the one above me, caught the smile and how quickly it died. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead, tipping my head back so I was looking up at him and could see the gentle, calming look on his face.
"It's okay Josh." He whispered. "We're all here for you, no matter what. It doesn't matter what happened today, forget about it. We don't care about it."
"Promise?" I mumbled.
"Promise-" And that sentiment was echoed by the other boys, their voices calling through the room, "-promise, promise, promise."
I smiled, but for real this time. I was still tangled in the boys arms by the time I fell asleep, their slow breathing calming me.
Just as my eyes fluttered closed, a voice whispered into my ear-
"Love you Josh." Someone breathed. "So much."
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I was feeling better the next morning, less dysphoric, less like I wanted to disappear into a hole. Still not up to recording anything but I certainly felt better. When I awoke Harry was still tucked up into my chest but all the other boys had gone, leaving me alone with the youngest member of the group. I could hear chatter downstairs- they were probably having breakfast. The boy in my arms stirred only a few minutes, blinking slowly.
"Mornin' Harry." I whispered, pushing some of his blonde curls out of his face. He smiled, yawning.
"Hi Josh." He breathed. "You feelin' better?"
"Yeah. I'm feeling better, much better." I mumbled back. "Not great, but better."
"Good."
He had to help me into my binder as I still struggled with the damn thing, and even though it compressed my chest and made it kind of hard to breathe, I breathed a happy sigh of relief. Wearing it was painful and difficult but it made me feel so much better and like I was able to live my life without breaking down.
Vikk threw his arms around me the second I appeared in the kitchen, squeezing me tightly with his arms around my waist. I couldn't help but laugh, reaching my arms behind me so I could hug him back. The other boys all smiled at me- they could tell I was feeling better too.
As I sat down and Ethan pushed a cup of coffee across the bench towards me, JJ leaned over and squashed Vikk between us in another hug.
"Good to see you're feeling better Josh." He whispered, and I smiled again.
"I am too."
