885 Days [A Vikklan/Sidemen/Pack Story]

Seventy Two Days Home

5 November 2017

Everything was numb. I felt so disconnected from reality, like I was floating away in my own little world, and I didn't even know why. I knew I was safe, my conscious self knew everything was okay and I was home and Vikk was beside me, but something in the back of my head stopped me from fully realising it. Some part of me believed I was still there, alone and cold and scared, and to protect me it separated me from the real word.

I don't know if I entirely comprehended the fact that I would have to testify, even after I told Vikk that I would do it, because the thought of ever seeing his face again made me go into the lockdown mode. Every slight sound, footsteps, murmurs, the creaking of a door or floorboards, and I was back there again.

The future was something I still didn't want to think about. Everything was happening so fast that I didn't know what would come in the next few hours, let alone days or weeks from the moment. The doctors were trying to get me to walk or eat or talk and I couldn't, it choked me, suffocated me, dragged me back under. They were going too fast and it scared me- after over two years of near constant silence, of no movement, sound or light, some part of me wanted to be back there in the quiet and dark and nothing. I just wanted everything to go away so I could breathe. Everything expect Vikk.

Just as they had said, the attorney arrived the following day. Day 72. Lachlan really wasn't doing well. He had completely shut down after Nicola first talked to him and he had refused to do anything since, he hadn't had anything to eat or drink, he didn't want to talk, he didn't concentrate on anything and that night he lay beside me, unable to fall asleep, just staring at the ceiling.

It wasn't the first time I had to say it, but I didn't know what to do. I was leaning to cope with the nightmares and which ones needed which response, I knew how to get him to eat or drink something when he hadn't all day, but this time it didn't work. He sat there with no response to my words or my touch, awake but never once slipping into our reality. This was the first time he hadn't slipped into our world for more than a few hours, and now he had been like this for almost half a day.

Rob helped me get him ready that morning, dressing him while he sat limp like a doll, not responding to our touch or our words. I crouched down in front of him and took his hands in mine. He just stared, blank.

"Lachy?" I whispered, pleading. "Please, Lachy, listen to me. It's okay. We're here, you're safe. Please, come back to us."

Rob wavered for a moment, unsure if he was alright to stay in the room. Lachlan was pretty unpredictable when it came to if he was okay with other people and although Rob seemed to be on the okay list, it could change if he was really scared, upset, or flickering between reality and the space in the back of his head. Disassociation was what the doctor called it.

But the boy only blinked at me, off on another world. He simply wasn't there and I sighed deeply, turning and dropping his hands. My heart was broken, lying in pieces on the floor because I knew he was going to be like this for a long time- the doctor was right, Lachlan was never going to be okay.

"Can- can you look after him for a while Rob?" I breathed, verging on tears. "I need some air. I need a break."

The moment he nodded I turned and fled the room, barging out of the house even though Simon yelled after me, and just ran. I ran and cried and screamed at the world for doing this to him, to us. Rain soaked my clothes and hair and skin but I didn't care, I only focused on running. Where I was going I didn't know, I just ran.

I don't know how long I ran but it must have been more than an hour and by the time I finally stopped, I had no idea where I was. I was soaked, shivering and still balling, standing in the middle of an empty street in a t-shirt and sweatpants with no phone, no way to get back home, and scared out of my mind. I collapsed on the sidewalk, buried my head in my knees and wailed.

Why did this have to happen to Lachlan? What had he or I done to deserve this? Why had that man chosen Lachlan, sending me into a two year depression and now he was home he clung to me, unable to let anyone else in. I couldn't cope with it, I couldn't keep going like this. Lachlan was only getting worse, disassociating more, clinging more, and running away seemed like the only option. Nicola was right. I couldn't be strong for Lachlan forever.

My head slipped into my chest, breathing difficult. Darkness passed in front of my eyes and, still sobbing, I slipped onto the concrete and passed out.

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Someone had seen me and had called an ambulance, which took me to the nearby hospital. It just so happened to be the same hospital Lachlan had been in for two months, and one of the doctors who saw me just so happened to be Lachlan's doctor. He called Josh, the other number he had, and got some of the boys to pick me up.

It was Mitch and Jerome who got there first, rushing onto the ward and wrapping me in a hug. I was fine, technically, I had just passed out from exhaustion and was a bit cold. I felt completely numb as both of their arms wrapped around me, pleading whispers asking why I had run away, what was going on. I didn't answer. I couldn't.

"Let's go home Vikk." Mitch breathed, helping me to my feet.

They didn't tell me until after I had had a shower, food and a nap that Lachlan had become so panicked that he had refused to let anyone touch him and had had a panic attack, nearly pulling out his feeding tube. I panicked.

"Why didn't you tell me!" I yelped, pulling myself from Jerome's arms.

"So you took sometime to take care of yourself." He breathed. "Vikk, you've been straining to take care of Lachlan and you haven't taken care of yourself at all. He needs you, yes, but you need to take care of yourself too. Take a break for a bit."

"But Lachy-"

"Rob's handling it. He's asking for you, but you need to take a few hours. He'll be okay. Promise."

"But-"

"No." It was Mitch this time, echoed by Preston.

"Come on Vikk." Preston whispered, holding out his arms for me to crawl into. "It's okay."

And I fell asleep surrounded by the three boys, tucked up in their arms.

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I didn't awake until the attorney arrived in the early evening, and my first thought was of Lachlan. Was he okay? Rob slid into the room a couple of minutes later looking utterly exhausted, rubbing his face with his hands.

"Lachlan?" I asked, sitting bolt upright. He managed to smile.

"Asleep, but only because the nurse sedated him. They arrived to change his dressings and check everything over but because he was freaking out so much they had to sedate him."

My lip trembled- that was my fault too. He hadn't had to be sedated since coming home from the hospital because I had always been there with him, holding his hands and distracting him from the hands roaming his body. Rob frowned.

"No, stop it Vikk. It's not your fault. You need a break sometimes, it's okay."

I sighed deeply, but struggled from the bed to go downstairs and meet this attorney.

She was nice but our meeting was short and sweet. She was only there to inform me that George Taylor had pleaded not guilty and if Lachlan was going to testify she would need to know if he was going to go through with it so she could give him some coaching. I only shook my head, because I didn't know. He had said he would but I didn't know anymore- after his reactions and slipping over the last two days I couldn't be sure anymore. She asked me to call her when I did know, within 24 hours.

As soon as she left I almost ran up the stairs, pushing open my bedroom door and, just as Rob had said, he was sleeping. The feeding tube was still in. For a moment he looked peaceful but I knew it was only because of the drugs keeping him under.

I crawled into bed beside him and wrapped him in a tight hug, whispering him into his ear.

"I'm gonna try to be strong for you Lachy." I breathed. "For as long as I can."