𝕓𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕜 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕥𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕙

just like...don't bother

⚠️ TW: self-harm (like, a lot) ⚠️ 

FFFFFFFFFF everything hurts so much right now. alrighty lets just heckin get into it. i'm gonna talk about self-harm/cutting addictions, so if you're sensitive to that or just don't want to listen to me complain, maybe don't read this. 

right so, we know about the whole hair-mom ordeal, right? well me being the annoying rat that i am i kept pestering her about it, and she said "i don't like that haircut on a girl!" and that just pissed me off so much, and i was already in a terrible mood and i sort of went off on her, saying shit like haircuts are gender neutral, why do you care, why does length matter, etc. and she just yelled at me about talking back and lowkey said some shit that could be considered homophobic. 

THAT brought back some very bad memories that i had basically blocked out until then, also of my parents :D. if you don't know the what happened, long story short around the beginning of 7th grade, my parents completely violated my privacy by reading my entire fucking journal (and tearing some stuff out) and then later my mom picked me up from a friend's house, pulled into a random parking lot, and said "we need to talk." and i immediately started panicking, but she didn't care and she continued (i'm starting to cry i hope ur happy) to explain to me how 'disturbing, dark, and angry' my journal was and how i needed jesus and how she knew i was gay now and how i was following a life of sin by being proud of being gay. and we sat in that parking lot for literally over four hours and it was probably the worst thing i've ever experienced.

after that big slap to the face, i got multiple "being gay is a sin and yes it IS a choice" lectures from my parents. i think they sort of dropped the whole thing, up until now of course. i will add that a few weeks after she read my journal, i went through her phone's search history (i can violate privacy too bitch) and found a bunch of shit like conversion therapy, and this book about a girl who 'used to be gay' but 'became straight' through the power of God.

anyway so after last night's fight, my mom guilt-tripped me by saying " i took today off from work for emotional recovery because my grandmother died. clearly that was a mistake." and stormed off, and that lead me into a nice cozy pit of self-loathing, and all i remember after that was a lot of crying, a very long panic attack, and a burning sensation.

welp this morning i woke up with cuts all over my stomach, my hips, and my shoulders. so i guess i relapsed and i don't even remember. well, i kind of remember but like barely. i know why they're in those spots. i would usually go for wrist but one time my parents saw cuts there and proceeded to yell at me and say "were did we go wrong" multiple times, so now i avoid that place unless it's winter and i have a valid reason to wear long sleeves. 

they hurt like hell, to the point where if my shirt even brushes against them i almost fucking throw up. and my mom made me do a karate lesson as soon as i walked out of my room this morning. so that might have just been the most painful fucking thing i've ever felt. jesus christ i'm so fucking exhausted and everything hurts :) i just wanna see my friends and get the fuck out of here.

whelp to summarize this whole thing-i hate myself, i hate my parents, i miss my friends, and i wanna fucking die.