the boy on the bridge ✔️

56. finally boy

chapter 56 — finally boy

"I can't do this anymore,"

That voice, barely above a whisper, that holds nothing but pure hurt and vulnerability, it reaches Elliot's ears and his head jerks up.

"No, wait," he wills himself to speak at last, "Josh, please," he pleads when the blond doesn't stop moving. "I'm sorry,"

Josh stops, he hates himself for it, but it is hard to take another step forward. Steeling himself for whatever it is to come next, he turns around. He can feel his heart thaw when the moment he sees his face but wills himself to remain still, and to not let any of his emotions show on his face.

"I'm sorry," Elliot apologises once again, "I shouldn't have left,"

"But you did," Josh points out blandly.

"I know I did and I'm sorry. I just– I am sorry, Josh, I really am,"

"I don't know what you want me to say," Josh shrugs.

"I'm sorry," Elliot repeats as if somehow repeating the words over and over again might just make everything okay again.

However sadly both of them know that that isn't going to happen — what's done is done and all they can do is move forward; the thing that's conflicting to them now is the 'how' part.

"I know you are," Josh sighs.

Elliot starts to step towards the blond wanting to hold him, or at least to be a little bit closer to him. Josh too wants nothing more than that, but he still takes a step backwards, shaking his head.

"I can't," he chokes out. "You have no idea–," he can't say any more words after that, not without breaking down into a blubbering mess. "Why are you here now, Elliot?"

Elliot was expecting the question, but still being asked the question, it takes him aback. He knows why he came back, the reason is standing right before him, but the fear of rejection stops him from answering the question right away. He hesitates, looking everywhere, but at the blond. He can sense Josh's patience running out, the hope of them slipping away, and he can't help but panic.

"I–," he starts but the words just die out — of all the times his brain chooses that particular moment to stop working — he doesn't know quite how to articulate his thoughts.

Josh sighs, disappointment flooding his chest once again, he doesn't know what he is expecting, but seeing the boy stammering in front of him is definitely not what he expects. Maybe once it would have amused him that the always confident, cheeky boy faltering in nerves, but right then it just draws every single ounce of hope out of him.

He still doesn't know, Josh thinks. He's still unsure.

The blond starts to turn around, but once again Elliot stops him.

"Wait," Elliot panics, "Don't go," he pleads, "You can't go,"

"Well, you did, didn't you," Josh snaps, "And it was so easy for you. So what's stopping me?"

"You," Elliot finally exclaims, "You're the reason I'm here now," he admits, "I lo–,"

"Don't you dare say that again," Josh grits out, "Don't you dare,"

Again Elliot starts to step towards Josh and again the blond steps back. Once they were opposite poles of a magnet, they were always pulled closed to each other, but that seems to have changed now, and the worse part is how painfully aware the both of them are of the fact, yet the pair can do nothing to change the fact.

"I'm sorry, Josh," Elliot says again, tears falling down his face.

He can feel how swiftly his golden boy is slipping away from him, and no matter how much he tries he can't stop it, and he'd have no one else to blame but himself.