𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥 ━ 𝐣𝐣 𝐨𝐛𝐱

part twenty nine

hannah's pov

day one after i confessed my secret to jj i sat in bed all day and cried. i tried to call him but it went straight to voicemail. i wanted to go to his house again but i thought he might need some space. hell i needed some space from this thing we call reality.

i wanted to call ki who seemed to be my only friend here that was a girl. maybe she could understand the pain i felt inside my chest that just wouldn't seem to stop.

i decided not to cal her though, in fear that jj had already told them what had happened. i don't think i could handle having to defend myself again for something i didn't even want to be defended against.

i fucked up, i broke jj's trust. the person that mattered the most to me in the world and i broke their trust.

on day two i went to the chateau. it took a lot of strength to stand up from my bed after a full day of breaking down. i know i looked like an absolute mess when i showed up at his door so maybe it was lucky that he didn't answer it.

after i had knocked multiple times i just stood there and the only thing i got in return was silence.

i hoped for a call or even a text that day, hell anything would have been better than the heart-wrenching blankness that seemed to consume me that day.

on day three i knocked on his door again and was met with the same bitter silence as the day before.

i came to a realization that i may never be forgiven.

i knew jj was broken, but he was whole in my eyes. he was constantly making me laugh and putting a smile on my face. he reassured me time and time again that i belonged with him and the pogues, he made me feel like i finally belonged somewhere.

he always made me feel special, especially when he would stare at me, no matter how nervous i would get. he reminded me what happiness was after such a dark time in my life and i could never be more grateful for that.

but the fact of the matter is that he was still broken, from everything that happened in his past. i knew of it all because he trusted me enough to tell me. my head hurt just thinking about that.

i knew that because he already had a hard time trusting people that my lie meant more to him than i could have ever imagined. i wish i could take it back. i wish i could just go back and time and tell him the truth from the beginning.

however, what makes the whole thing worse in my mind is that if i did get a redo, i don't think i could have changed anything. during the legal process of my situation i was told to never speak about the situation. everything that took place and everything that i went through had to stay unspoken.

i wish jj could understand that i never wanted to lie to him.

day four i finally got the courage to call kiara. when she didn't pick up i knew that jj must have told her what i did, so i texted her, "please answer. please."

after calling her for the third time she finally answered on the other end but didn't speak. only the sound of her breath was clear over the line.

"ki," i croaked out out. "have you.. have you talked to jj?"

"yes," she answered tersely.

"kiara i-"

"i can't," she breathed out. "i can't listen to you right now because jj is my best friend and you broke him." she then proceeded to hang up the phone.

at this point i began to have an anxiety attack. something that used to be a common occurrence back home, but since moving here i haven't had to deal with one.