i think i love you • matthew healy

12. train wreck

i pull the blanket closer to my face as the sunlight coming from the windows burns deep in my eyes.

bright light and a throbbing hangover headache isn't quite the best combination, clearly.

and so is sleeping on a fucking sofa.

i can hear adam and ross talking quietly a few feet away from me. they must be by the kitchen judging from the smell of coffee and the sound of metal spoons stirring in their mugs.

god. i want coffee.

my head is pounding and my eyes feel all heavy and puffy and awful.

i take a deep breath as i get out of george's rather uncomfortable cushion. i hardly remember falling asleep, hell, i don't quite remember everything from last night but i know from the memory fragments of crying to george that i must have spilled my pain to other people, again.

"morning." i mumble when i enter the tiny kitchen, which isn't just a kitchen really, because george has his drum set sitting by the corner as well as his laptop, a tiny keyboard connected with a bunch of wires, an acoustic guitar—probably matty's—and a harp. a fucking harp.

"morning." ross smiles at me before raising his mug of coffee to his mouth. "had a great night?"

i yawn as i sit down in between him and adam, pulling george's blanket closer around my shoulders because i'm starting to feel a bit awkward still wearing my red dress from last night. "yeah. though i've had far wilder parties in college to be honest with you." i shrug.

adam chuckles while stirring his mug.

"ouch." ross pouts at me.

"i'm joking. honestly i'm trying to remember most of last night but it's all just a fucking blur." i begin pouring myself brewed coffee in my mug.

"you were completely wasted last night, rhian." ross says while he's wiping the sleep off his tired eyes. "i mean, we all were, clearly, i don't even fucking remember how we all got here in george's shitty flat. we all could've crashed at matty's instead but he probably took off earlier on with gabby and—"

ross pauses and for a moment there's just silence after he says her name.

"oh... sorry." he clears his throat. i realise he's talking to me.

"'sokay." i shrug, even though it's clearly not okay. i feel a bit of a pang in my chest when i heard her name. "i don't mind, really, she's quite... nice, isn't she?"

i'm quite a terrible liar.

as if i hadn't cried to george on his bathroom floor last night. god.

ross is tapping his fingers on his mug. "rhian, you don't have to lie to me and hann, we can see right through you." he chuckles. "we don't fancy her a whole lot either."

i blow air out from my nose. at this point i know nothing's bound to change.

"she makes matty happy." i say mainly to my cup of coffee, then i look at ross and adam hoping that they're correct and can see right through me. "meanwhile i'm nothing but a complete fucking train wreck."

i badly hope they can see right through me.

ross wraps his arm around me. "we don't think you're a fucking train wreck, rhian. honestly, you're the best fucking person we've met."

i smile sadly. "i love you guys." i say, exhaling the tightness in my chest.

"you know we love you more." adam chuckles, softly ruffling my new hair like i'm a puppy. "now go drink your coffee, you. we're all fucking hungover here."