Map Of My Heart (P)

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Title: Map Of My Heart

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Title: Map Of My Heart

Author: @DisneyTsumTsum2

Genre: Teen Fiction

Chapters Read: 0-2

Title & Cover

Great title! It's simple but unique enough to catch attention, and hints at the romance that will be involved in the story, so you can attract the right audience.

The cover is nothing amazing, but it does the job perfectly well. The picture on the front is again simple but effective, and makes for a nice cover. It probably fits the teen fiction genre quite well, since I've noticed the books tend to have quite simple covers. The only thing I'd point out is the white text at the bottom - as a black or navy blue, it would be more visible, I think, and feel smoother. But overall, no real issues there!

Summary

It has everything it needs. You introduce our two main characters, the premise of the story, and the conflict we might come across easily. Both characters have reasons to not want to get into a relationship, which is always great in a romance story, since you can see them overcome that and develop as the story goes on.

However, there are just a few minor things I want to point out. Firstly, the 'even more' in the second paragraph - I'd remove it, since you didn't say previously that she'd already been retreating behind her camera. And there's the next sentence, which just doesn't read right to me. The punctuation isn't quite right, and it seems a little muddled. Here's a suggestion of what I think would flow better:

So when she is offered the opportunity to go to Europe for a week, of course she agrees - a photoblog of Europe could make or break her career.

Also, instead of using the ellipsis in the final sentence of the paragraph, I'd use a period - it would have the same effect. A short sentence is always great to draw attention.

Apart from that, it reads quite smoothly, and there's a great hook at the end of the last paragraph. It certainly looks interesting!

Hook

I like the introduction of Aileen trying to tease the secret out of Chase - it creates intrigue, and also showcases their relationship right away. The addition of humour gives it that great edge that makes me want to keep reading to stick with these characters.

One thing I would suggest, though - I don't think the first paragraph is a great way to start the story. Firstly, 'I was sitting' makes it seem as if she's telling a story, but only a few paragraphs later it lapses into ordinary past tense, so I'd just begin it with that rather than the 'was' and 'had'. But my main problem is that you start off the chapter with a description of Chase. It's not particularly hooking, unfortunately.

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