How Not to Vampire - Season 1

9. The Chapter With the Sex

Pro-Tip for Humans #69: don't stick your dick in crazy!

Brandi waited at the bottom of the stairs until she was sure I was following. Once I stepped into the stairwell, she smiled in as knowing a manner as possible, and slithered off into the darkness around the corner, inviting me to follow.

Remember what I said about cougars and MILFs getting mixed up in the minds of young and impressionable young men jerking off to their computer screens? Brandi was one of those women who caused a lot of that confusion.

I made my way down the stairs, my head buzzing with anticipation, dick rock hard in my pants and leading the way. I reached the landing and rounded the corner, almost colliding with the waiting Brandi, but managed to stop before bumping heads with her. That would have been disastrous. We were eye-to-eye, a breath apart and goddamn I could feel the heat coming off of her body. A sly smile came to her lips and she took a step closer, pushing her body against mine.

"You never came back," she murmured, lips red and so mesmerizing. For some reason, I noticed the sharp points of her incisors and wondered what she tasted like.

"Figured you'd find me," I lied with a casual shrug. I couldn't take my eyes off her lips and found myself leaning closer, the better to taste that alluring mouth.

"Did you?" she murmured with a raised eyebrow.

"Nah, I was lying," I admitted. "By the way, I'm Bob."

"Don't care," she breathed and grabbed my ass, pulling me in for the kiss.

Let me be clear: this kind of thing does not happen to me. In all of my twenty-nine years of life, the closest I had come to a one-night stand or any kind of scandalous sex was with this one girl I had a crush on who was leaving town the next day. We hooked-up after her going-away party and the next day she was gone. And that happened when I was twenty-two.

Like most men my age, I grew up with Hollywood telling me that I was supposed to be having sex at the age of fourteen and that other kids my age were out there doing it right now, while I was busy masturbating like an idiot. Yes, some of them actually were, but most of them were lying about it. The default answer when asked if you were a virgin, was supposed to be an affirmative "hell, no" and then a confident smirk as you made up some stupid story that everyone knew you were lying about. The truth is that I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 18, and even then it wasn't like I was getting laid every night. It took the relationship into this weird place where it became about finding the next opportunity to have sex again and that did not end well. The only thing that really changed was that I had the added confidence that women found sexy, and even then, I still wasn't having that sordid Hollywood-type sex. Having a beautiful, confident, and sexy older woman want me so openly and brazenly was completely out of my comfort range, but, you know what? I adapted. I knew all of the moves to this dance, so now I just had to make them work.

Brandi and I stumbled into the women's bathroom by some unspoken agreement, and I fumbled the lock closed while Brandi tore at my shirt, kissing me hard when my lock-groping brought me into kissing range —

The bathroom was one of those single occupancy deals, just a toilet bowl and a sink, identical to the men's bathroom, but for whatever reason, they had decided that the women's bathroom was going to look nicer than the men's. Someone had applied an art-deco style wallpaper to all of the walls, so there was this weird disconnect when Brandi pulled away from me, and I had a chance to notice.

Brandi pushed me away and raised her eyebrow as she dug into her purse. After a moment, she produced a vial of white powder and wiggled it invitingly.

"Wanna get fucked up?"