+Bad Catholics+ Frank Iero

+20+

I could hear their whispers as I sat in the pew of the school's church. My lack of sleep was apparent- my hair in a pitiful ponytail, and rings of light purple sat underneath my eyes. It was obvious I had spent my night on the kitchen floor.

I awoke to a terrible silence at five in the morning the night before, and the dead buzz of the phone ringing into my ear. The terrible paranoia set in again the moment my eyes opened, and I secretly wished Frank was still waiting for me on the other end of the line, but he wasn't. All I could do was sit on the floor and stare at the photos sitting on the kitchen counter until I became so frustrated that I tore them up and threw them in the garbage. I had been awake since then.

My school had Catholic mass every other Friday in the attached church. Though I wasn't sure I was even an ounce of religious, the building was still quite beautiful. It was definitely old. The brick walls were slowly crumbling off, and the stained-glass windows were tarnished and dull. I still loved looking at them, though. There was something about them that brought history to the building, and when I was younger, I would often stare at them and picture the stories behind them. I had read books about them in the past, but it just wasn't the same.

I sat alone, as I usually did. The pews both in front and behind me were filled with students, and a few stragglers on either end of the pew I was sitting in several feet away from me. This never bothered me- in fact, it would normally comfort me in my quest to be alone. Though that day, I was feeling differently. The more time I had spent alone, the more I just wanted the feeling of someone else around me. I didn't want to coin it as desperation, but it was.

Something about the distance itself that day felt different, too. I wondered if the girls from my history class used our conversation as a source for rumors, or if maybe my appearance was just unusual to them, but whatever it was made me feel like there were eyes on me. Of course, it could have been paranoia- it felt like I was paranoid about anything under the sun at that point. Something told me that it wasn't, though.

I could feel my thoughts consuming more and more time of that single school day, and it was enough to fear that it would only get worse. I couldn't possibly focus on schoolwork knowing those photos- albeit in pieces- were sitting at the bottom of my trashcan.

"Mae?"

I didn't want the thought of another body there to ruin that afternoon for me.

"Mae?"

I didn't want that memory to be ruined.

"Mae, do you hear me?"

I just wanted a safe place to live.

"Mrs. Harper, please!"

"Oh!"

Startled, I looked up to see the school priest looking displeased with me, holding his hand out. I was so enveloped in my head I didn't even hear him speaking to me.

"May peace be with you," He said, rather passive aggressively.

"I'm so sorry," I stuttered, quickly shaking his hand. "May peace be with you, Father."

He gave me a strange look and moved on to the next pew. I leaned my forehead in my hand, desperate for the thoughts to cease even for a moment, but they were relentless. I kept telling myself that I just had to make it through the remainder of mass, and I could be free to get some fresh air, away from everyone else. It was likely the first time I was ever anxious for school to end.

Communion began, and being at the back of the church, I was set to be one of the last in line. I tried to focus on my favorite stained-glass piece at the front of the building as kids in the front began to get in formation down the aisles, but instead I continued meeting the gazes of Hannah and Valerie. They were sitting three pews ahead looking back at me, whispering back and forth to each other. Frustration built up in my chest, making me want to get out of the church even faster.