Therapeutic Love (BxB)

Chapter 34: DaKarie

Max was a fuck up. He knew he made mistakes. Often.

He wasn't stupid.

He saw how Kyle looked at him. How he held himself back around him.

Max watched silently, smiling and nodding. Watching Kyle's feelings waver over and over, his judgment bearing down on him by the day.

The pros and cons of Max weighing constantly in the guys head whenever they were together. Whenever they were close to getting..close.

He couldn't pretend and say it didn't hurt.

Well, he could actually. He was good at pretending. And that's what he did. Smiled and nodded and gave the benefit of the doubt as he always had.

But he knew what they thought. Saw how they saw him. Whatever he did, whatever he was, it wasn't ever..good enough. What it should have been, it seemed like.

Too happy, too distant, too desperate, too closed off. The complaints never ended.

The men he cared for were unsatisfied. They needed things from him. They needed him to change.

If the cancer wasn't already killing him, that might've. Not being enough.

Because he couldn't change himself, could he?

It was..fucked up to think. Maybe alarming. But being himself was never really something he doubted.

The cancer; perhaps. Being gay; obviously. The whole..thing he experienced, it hurt. It haunted him yes but he never wavered. He was still him and despite his issues he took solace in that.

But then he fell in love. And suddenly any insecurities or doubts he ever had, it was all he saw. The self scrutinization, it was consuming. Suffocating.

As much as being with them and loving them gave him it also felt as if..well he wasn't sure.

It took things too. You know?

Parts of him. Parts he enjoyed. Replaced with doubt.

Maybe it was his fault. Maybe he was sacrificing things no one asked him to sacrifice. He was his own man, making his own choices. This has to be on him.

But he guessed that didn't make it any better, did it?

Love; as cheesy as that shit sounds, shouldn't really be like that right?

Love shouldn't feel that shitty..

His mind started to drift back to his conversation with Kyle. 'Somethings wrong'.

Did he know? It wasn't like Max was subtle at all. Hiding an illness (motherfucking cancer) wasn't as slick and easy as he made it seem. It was actually a pain in the ass.

He told Kyle he would tell him. Even if he didn't want to, even if he wished he could take it back..well he said he would.

He groaned at that.

If he thought they were difficult before? Imagine just how hard it'll be when they know he's dying.

"Dude, don't say that." Emily hushed, huddling closer onto the arm chair. Max tsked dramatically, shooing her.

"My chemo chair. Off."

"Rude." She mumbled, smiling slowly. She smacked him again as the pointy breasted lady walked by and he began to make faces.

"Oh come on, it's a little funny. Just look." He gestured wildly, only stopping when the lady glanced his direction. He began to whisper to Em as she walked away.