Cicaro

Chapter One

Chapter one

Trigger warning: Mild mentions of rape.

Androphobia: An intense, persistent, irrational and abnormal fear of men. Sufferers experience anxiety even though they may realize they face no real threat.

That's the first thing I notice the moment I walk in. Not the presence of the other girls my age seated in a circle, nor the weird looking girl smiling my way. No, the first thing I notice is my condition placed on some board, branded like it was some sort of disease, a mental condition.

"Hey, please take a seat, welcome." A short girl my age with a buzz cut addresses me taking my hand in hers and gesturing to a seat at the corner of the room.

I walk towards it and sit on the uncomfortable, squeaky iron chair. How are people supposed to feel safe in this environment?

The walls are all painted grey and the ceiling fan creaks as it oscillates. I certainly did not feel safe.

"Introduce yourself to the other girls Iris," Miss Emily my therapist says kindly after I take my seat. I smile at her, we had talked on phone several times and had various sessions together before now, she was no stranger to me.

Glancing around, I take a look at the girls with whom I will be spending the next six months and reply. "I'm Iris Anderson, 17 years old, and like everyone here I'm scared of the opposite gender. I've been home schooled for the past seven years, I love music and would like to major in it." I finish with my lips in a thin line. 

Everyone looks at me expectantly. "What?" I ask voicing out my thoughts.

"Is that all?" The weird looking girl beside me asks. I notice she has a bunch of piercings in her ear, nose, lips, everywhere and a strange purple hairdo.

"Yes, I'm sorry I don't have a lot of interests, being home schooled does that to someone." Sensing my nonchalance, she sends a tight lipped smile my way and looks forward avoiding my gaze.

"Why don't you tell us why you're here, share your experiences," Miss Emily says after noticing the awkward silence, she scans the room and rests on me. "Iris, why don't you go first," she continues.

Seeing I have no other option, I huff and begin telling the tale I have  practiced a million times over. "Well, my parents were and still are pretty busy individuals and seven years ago, they had this big court case and had to travel out because of it, they couldn't take me though, they felt I would be too much of a drag, so they dropped me off with my Grandpa. He physically and emotionally abused me for a year, not just him, his friends and sometimes even strangers. This went on till my parents came back."

My eyes turn glossy and a single tear drops, I wipe it off not wanting to appear weak in front of strangers. "My parents noticed their little girl had changed. I kept to myself and couldn't bring myself to come to terms with what had happened to me till my mom noticed I had an STD. They took me to a Doctor, a psychiatrist after and I finally came out from my shell and recounted the brief details I could remember. He was charged to court that same month. His wife died. That was his pathetic excuse. He was put behind bars but that didn't phase me. The day we realized I had Androphobia, my mom took me to school, I was ten. I remember vividly, I hugged her goodbye and got down from the car then my teacher came over to greet me and welcome me back. I started shaking and crying, my mom came down from the car to see what was wrong and I clung to her tightly, my palms sweaty, I couldn't breathe, she thought it was a panic attack till he touched me and I fainted."

I pause and look around to see everyone looking at me expectantly so I continue,"I woke up in a hospital later that day to the voice of a doctor telling my mom there was nothing physically wrong with me before going ahead to ask her if something traumatic had happened to me recently, my mom told her about my grandpa and just then a male doctor walked in, I started hyperventilating and begging for him to go out which he did and after a while when I had calmed down, I was diagnosed with Androphobia. A series of tests later, my mom figured out I couldn't stay with my dad either and it was confirmed when he came home from his business trip a month later and I ran away from him like I didn't recognize him."

I pause once more to catch my breath and when I look around, everyone's looking at me with so much pity and understanding that I feel uncomfortable, nevertheless I continue, "I've had to live on my own for the past two years with just a few maids here and there, my mom stayed with me alot for four years and now she just pops up once in a while. You know how tiring raising a troubled teen can be." My chest constricts.

"I guess I can say I've improved cause I saw my dad at my last birthday party and I didn't react so yay that's progress." I raise my hands as a fake display of happiness. "I'm here so I can get over my fear, finally, go to college and be a normal girl again." I smile weakly.

"About your grandpa, do you feel he got what he deserved, do you still hold some sort of resentment?" Miss Emily questions. Various scenes of my grandpa visibly molesting me fills my head and my palms immediately turn sweaty.

"I don't feel comfortable talking about it," I whisper biting my lip.

 "Alright next time." She throws a sympathetic look my way. "Who's next?" She questions rhetorically. "Lily." She points to the girl sitting beside me and yet another tale begins.

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