Infinity||H.S.

Two Steps Back

"I wanted you bad
I'm so through with that
'Cause honestly you turned out to be the
Best thing I never had
You turned out to be the
Best thing I never had
And I'm gon' always be the best thing you never had
Oh I bet it sucks to be you right now
So sad you're hurt
Boo hoo, oh, did you expect me to care?
You don't deserve my tears"

Noelle

It's been two weeks since that terrible afternoon. Two weeks of silence from both fronts. I don't know what I was expecting when I left Hannah's flat.

No, that's bullshit.

I know exactly what I expected.

I expected him to follow me. Say something. Apologize. But he did nothing.

I left him in Holmes Chapels. I don't know how he went back to London. I don't even know if he was back. I just took my car on Monday morning and drove back home, listening to music at a very high volume for all the drive.

He didn't reach out for me. He didn't text or call. He didn't come to my flat. He just let me be. He left me alone, just like I told him to.

Then why I'm not happy about it?

Maybe because, for a moment, I thought we were past all the fighting. Maybe because, for a moment, I thought I could have him in my life again. Maybe because he let me down again, and I was left hurt, again.

I'm so angry at him for what he said, but I'm even angrier because he listened to me instead of fighting.

Fuck him for making me feel this way again.

Fuck me for letting him under my skin again.

Harry Styles is toxic for me. I should be used to this by now. He manages to make me feel a new kind of pain every time and I hate it.

I didn't tell anyone abut our last argument. I don't know why honestly. The only ones who know about it are John and Hannah, only because they assisted to it.

Once I got home in Monday, I stared at the Fleetwood Mac vinyl for God's know how long, for I moment I almost threw it away again, along with his stupid bracelet and necklace. In the end, I didn't, I couldn't find the strength in me. I just put the vinyl on and listened to it for hours, crying.

I cried for Harry, I cried for myself, I cried for all the stress I pushed down in the last month.

I felt like I was 23 again. He not coming after me, made me feel not worth it again. And no, not in terms of me feeling something for him. I terms of friendship. Our friendship wasn't worth enough for him to put his stupid ego aside and say a fucking 'sorry, I lost my shit. I didn't mean to.'

Am I asking for too much?

Seems like it is. To him at least.

Thomas kept his word. He was in London on Tuesday and he stayed with me for seven days. We didn't fight once, we set down and spoke.

Like normal, adult people do. Any reference to things or people is purely casual.

Our conversation had a bitter-sweet taste. We talked about our future and he told me clearly what he wants.

But before I tell you this, there's one thing I need to make clear. No. I'm not pregnant.

Not so delusional now eh?

After all seven test resulted negative and I left Hannah's apartment, I called my gynaecologist. She gave me an appointment for Monday afternoon and it turned out that I didn't get my period due to my stress levels and the fact that I changed pill. It could happen she said, I told it might happen, she added.