Red vs Blue (Male OC Insert) [Being heavily overhauled]

Season 2 Episode 23: The Joy of Toggling

Camera pans down the red base to Doc and Grif talking

Doc: So he was shot in the head...

Grif: Right.

Doc: ...and you gave him CPR for a bullet wound in the head.

Grif: Exactly.

Doc: Yeah, I think that's a perfectly acceptable treatment.

Grif: That's what I said.

Doc: Oh yeah, people often overlook alternative methods of care. Like that blue guy that was shot in the foot during the battle? All I did was rub his neck with some aloe vera, he was fine.

Grif: Yeah, I don't know about all that. I'm just glad that Sarge and Ghost are wrong.

Sarge:    Grif! Yer supposed to be guarding the prisoner. Not playing lookie-loo with him all day long!

Grif: Come on Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.

Simmons: Oh, well you two will be great friends then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!

Grif: Hey thanks, kissass. If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask Ghost.

Ghost: Say one more word I will gut you like a fucking pig you son of a bitch!

Just from Ghost shouting Grif backs away five steps and goes behind Doc

Donut: Oh man, that is a burn. Dude, you just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.

Ghost: Oh shut up, your armor's pink and the only thing that is technically good about you is that you have a good throwing, arm! that's it! nothing more, thing less, you're absolute dog shit!

Doc: Uh, hey, guys? I, I just want everybody to know that Grif and I aren't, uh, technically friends, uh, we're just talking. That's it. (to Grif) Sorry man, but it's pretty obvious that you're really unpopular, and if I'm gonna make any progress around here at all I can't really be directly associated with you. I'm sure you understand.

Grif: ...

Doc: It's only because no one likes you.

Grif: ...

Doc: Stop staring at me.

Camera zooms through the gulch, revealing Sheila still in the middle of it, then to the blue base

Tucker: Hey Church - if your body is the red team's old droid, and droids usually fix stuff, can't you just activate your repair sequence and fix Sheila?

Church: Huh... Well, yeah it's worth a shot, I guess. (clears throat for some reason) Alright. Stand back. Huhrur... Keeungh... Hoom...

Tucker: Anything?

Church: Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think it would be.

Tucker: Maybe there's a button on you somewhere...

Church: See what you can find. I'll keep trying from in here... Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!

Tucker: Found it?

Church: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

Tucker: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.

Church: Celcius, Tucker.

Tucker: Oh come on dude, celcius sucks. (kneels down and looks at Church... robotic crotch) Hey, I found something.

Church: Oh yeah? You found a button?

Tucker: Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

Church: Well, give it a flip.

Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.

Church: What's the problem?

Tucker: It's in a weird place.

Church: Oh you've gotta be kidding me.

Tucker: You flip it.

Church: These arms aren't that flexible, I can't even reach down there.

Tucker: What about Caboose?

Church: Man, he's so stupid, I don't even know if he knows how to operate a switch.

Tucker: Oh man...

Church: Tuck, Tucker, come on. We'll laugh about it later. I'll buy you dinner.

Tucker: (kneels down and tries to flip the switch, but fails) It won't move, it's stuck.

Church: Did you try wiggling it?

Tucker: No way, I'm not wiggling your dongle.

Church: Oh, stop being a baby. Just wiggle it.

Tucker kneels back down

Church: ... So, you from around here baby?

Tucker: Okay look, if you want me to do this, you can't talk like that.

Church: Alright alright alright alright, I'm sorry, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

Tucker: I wish Tex was here, she wouldn't have any problem flipping it.

Church: You obviously did not know Tex that well.

Tucker kneels back down and flips the switch, and we start hearing a beeping noise

Tucker: There! Anything?

Church: Nope. Nothin'. That's kinda weird. Do you hear something beeping?

Cut to the reds

Sarge:    Are there any ideas on what to do with the prisoner?

The same beeping starts fading in, approaching the same volume

Simmons: Well, we have to get him away from Grif, because ...yeeah, you know, it's kinda cruel and unusual to have to talk to him.

Donut: How 'bout we um, let him trade armor with uh, one of us? That would show him.

The Warthog's lights flash in time with the beeping

Warthog: (as if getting up to speed) Warthog online. (now up to speed) Homing beacon activated.

Donut: Sarge... D, did the car just talk?

Sarge:    Uh oh...

Ghost: well that's not good