Season 3 Episode 39: The Best Laid Plans

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Fades in on Tucker lying face down in the ground, with Donut standing over him

Tucker: (lifeless moans)

Donut: Come on mister blue guy, you gotta wake up. Wake up.

Tucker: It hurts. Just let me die.

Donut: You can't die, I'm bored! All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff, and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

Cut to Tex and Sheila

Tex: I don't have treads, but I often find them staring at things they really shouldn't be.

Sheila: Yes and I only allow one person to stare at my treads

Tex: who? Lopez.

Sheila: God no! I rather blow myself up then do that.

Tex: Then who? It better not be...

Sheila: Only Ghost can stare at my treads.

Tex: No, no, no! That's where you're wrong. Ghost is mine and mine alone, I won't have you getting him!

Sheila: Watch me bitch!

Cut back to Donut and Tucker

Donut: You see? Boring stuff like oppression, and a hostile work environment.

Tucker: Get Doc, I need Doc.

Donut: I can't. He got possessed by that evil guy and they escaped. He's the one that shot you. Don't you remember?

Tucker: I know. I want him to shoot me again.

Donut: Now now now, sounds like someone's got a case of the "poor me"s. If you were gonna die you would have done it by now! Maybe you just need to realise, you're gonna have to live with intense pain.

Tucker: Get that Sarge guy or even Ghost, have them make me a new body.

Donut: Huhg, we can't. We're out of parts because we overused that joke. And Sarge and Ghost left with the others to chase Doc. But don't you worry, they left a long time ago, so I'm sure they'll be back any minute. Simmons had a fool-proof plan to catch him.

Cut to Ghost in one of many similar corridors of grey between red walls... and Simmons still implanted in the wall

Ghost: Hellooooo... Hello? Is anybody here? Just great. I guess we all got seperated in the teleporter. Honestly, I regret knocking Simmons out.

radio sounds

Ghost: Sarge. This is Ghost, do you read me. Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc has failed miserably. I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters, which could take me anywhere in the Universe... Or it's a janitor's closet, the hell I don't fucking know, Sarge, are you there!? Anyone!?

Cut to Sarge and Caboose standing in a stream

Sarge: Hello, anyone! Do you read me? Do I read you? Anyone? Anybody? Nobody? Okay. (sound of his radio turning off)

Sarge: (to Caboose) Well, I don't think the others are coming. They must have gotten separated somehow.

Caboose: My toes, are getting pruny.

Sarge: O...kay. Why don't we try to find O'Malley? (runs off)

Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates. (runs off to follow Sarge)

Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back. 'fyou know what I mean.

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